


Something To Hold On To

by Ripley123



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Depression, F/F, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-28
Updated: 2021-03-06
Packaged: 2021-03-09 02:48:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 21
Words: 30,640
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27247552
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ripley123/pseuds/Ripley123
Summary: "My mind orders me to stay with it, but I want to go out. I want to get rid of these chains. I want to follow this melody. Eliza is asking me to fight for my freedom. I can't. I'm a slave and I don't know how to fight to win my life back again. Still, I want to follow that promise. For the first time in two months, I want to trust someone.”Alycia hasn't left her house for two months. Two months spent fighting something traumatic that devastated her life. Will Eliza be able to bring her back to life and help her dealing with the pain that drags her deeper and deeper every day?[Eliza Taylor x Alycia Debnam-Carey]
Relationships: Alycia Debnam-Carey/Eliza Taylor, Clarke Griffin/Lexa
Comments: 73
Kudos: 90





	1. 1.Ghost

**Author's Note:**

  * A translation of [Something To Hold On To](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/706375) by Lonni (efp)/Aagainst (wattpad). 



1.

> _**Been feeling so low, I don't want no one to know  
>  I just need something to cope  
>  Leave me alone, told them all leave me alone  
>  Then wonder where do they go  
>  Been here before, push away people I love  
>  Just so they never get close  
>  (Witt Lowry-Ghost** _ _**)** _

** Alycia POV **

Damn me, I didn’t pull the curtain last night. I hate waking up like this, with the sun on my face. I sigh. I reach for the night stand and I check the time. 6:30 AM, great. I snort and I take my blankets off. I get off the bed, but I bump an empty bottle on the floor. It breaks into a thousand pieces and some splinters of glass end up stuck in my foot. I scream in pain as I try to take them off of my sole. There is some blood, but it’s nothing serious. I get off the other side of the bed and I head to the bathroom. My head is bursting. I must have hit hard tonight. Not that I remember much. I’m not even sure I really got out. The only thing I know is that I have to vomit, now. Fortunately, I am able to reach the toilet in time and I throw up. I collapse on the floor and i lean on the wall. What the hell is happening to me? What am I doing with my life? I burst in tears and not because the pain in the foot. I feel completely lost, with no landmarks. I am like a raft in the middle of the ocean, slammed from side to side by the waves. 

«Aly, are you awake yet?». Maia’s voice brings me back to reality. I panic. What is she doing here already? I try to get up, but my foot hurts too much. I choke on a whimper. I don’t want Mia to worry. As she can’t see the mess in my room. 

«Aly, are you okay?» she asks me, opening the bathroom door. I look down, guilty. There are traces of blood on the floor and the smell of vomiting is nauseating. She runs to me, to make sure I’m not too hurt. 

«Aly, what happened?» she asks. She’s worried and I can’t blame her. She checks my foot. She verifies that it’s just some glass and that it’s nothing serious. She wraps my wound and helps me to get up. She walks me to my room and makes me sit on the bed. I watch her cleaning the floor from what remains of the bottle and checking that there are no more splinters. I’d like to sink in shame. I’m tired of being found like this every morning. I burst in tears again. I sink the head between my knees, as if Maia couldn’t see me. I feel her fondly surrounding me with her arms. She lulls me and allows me to let it out. We stay like this for a while, until I calm down. Maia moves in front of me and forces me to look her in the eyes. She wipes my wet cheeks and smiles. 

«I can’t go on like this.» I whisper.

«It’s not your fault. Take your time, Aly. Marny and I are here, you can count on us, you know.» she reassures me. I nod. I know that my friends would never leave me and this knowledge does more harm than good. They've been coming every morning for two months to check if I'm still alive and spending their days with me. I don't think it's right what I'm forcing them to do, but I can't behave otherwise.

«Aly, I know it's still too soon and you may not want to do it, but Pete, that nice guy of your agent, called me. He reminds you of tonight's party with the rest of the cast. You don't have to go there, we can fake a flu or the death of some pet.». I feel my stomach writhing. The very idea of going out and going to a party makes me nervous.

«If you want, I can talk to El...»

«No!» I scream, making my friend jerk. I crouch at the head of the bed, my face in my hands. Maia approaches me again, but I move away. I can hear her sigh.

«I won't tell her anything, don't worry. I'm not gonna call her. But think about it, okay?» she calms me down, snapping a kiss on my forehead. She gets up and I see her pick up the phone and type in my agent's number.

«Pete, it's Maia Mitchell. Yeah, I know you haven't spoken to Alycia in a month and a half and you wish she was the one calling you, but she can't right now. No, she's not well.». I'm starting to shake. I don't want to hear his voice. I don't want to hear anyone's voice. 

«Pete, she's not in the condition to go to that party.»

« _ If she doesn't show up tonight, her career will end and I can't do anything to cover her ass. She signed contracts! _ ». Although he is on the other side of the phone, Pete is perfectly audible and also quite angry.

«You are her agent, it is your job to save her career in moments like this!» objects Maia. What I feared is happening. Maia and Pete are fighting because of me. I don't even know why I do it, maybe I just want them to stop screaming.

«Tell him I'll go.». Maia interrupts the call and turns to me. She looks scared.

«Aly, you don't have to.»

«Yes, I have. You heard that, too. I can't destroy my career because of a stupid party.» I reply, trying to appear confident. A miserable failure. I see her shaking her head and clenching her fists.

«Well, I hope you are satisfied! See you tomorrow, Pete.» she closes the call, irritated. She looks at me with concern.

«Alycia...» she tries to say.

«I know, I am foolish.» I admit, disconsolate. I drop on the mattress. Me alone at a party full of people, what can go wrong?

«Are you still sure you don't want to talk to Eliza?». I say yes with my head.

«I don't want her to know me like that. She would ask me questions, and I'm not ready to answer her.» I explain.

«She’ll see you tonight, Aly. What are your intentions, hiding underground?» my friend challenges me. I know she is right, but I'm too scared.

«I'll be there just for an hour. She will not have time to ask me anything, I will not freak out and we will all live happily ever after.». Maia shakes her head, unconvinced.

«Marny and I will keep the phone on all the time. We'll be at her house for a movie with some friends, but we'll be available.». I smile, trying to be serene, but I'm not credible. I know tonight will be a disaster waiting to happen, but I can't back down now. I ruined myself with my own hands.


	2. 2.Appearances

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A party that turns into a nightmare

2.

> _**I think I might drown  
>  I'm suffocating silently in front of the crowd  
> (The Material-Appearances)** _

** Alycia POV **

I get out of the cab, terrified. I've never been more afraid than that. For the party the production rented a house with a pool near Long Beach. It is possible to admire the sea from here. Yet, this boundless space only suffocates me even more. I breathe in and out, four times.

«Miss, are you going to pay me or do you want to take another ride?» the taxi driver calls me back.

«Oh, yeah, sorry.» I answer, rummaging through the purse in desperate search of the wallet. I am so agitated that everything falls out of my hand and the contents of the clutch pour onto the asphalt.

«I-I'm-sorry, n-now I’ll p-pay.» I stutter, as I retrieve my things. Nice start, Aly. Very nice. I'm still picking up the contents of my purse from the ground, when a cold hand settles on my back. I gasp.

«Aly, it's me, it’s Lindsey.». I don't know if I need to upset myself even more or if I can relax. I choose some sort of third way. I get up, masking my obvious discomfort.

«I’ll pay.» says Lindsey, reaching out her hand full of money to the driver. She helps me settle down and hugs me, greeting me warmly. I jolt to that touch, so unaccustomed to the presence of other human beings other than Maia and Marny.

«I missed you, DC. Where were you? The others and I have been trying to text or phone you for two months.»

«I have... My phone’s broken.». What a pathetic excuse. Of course she isn’t buying it, but she doesn’t insist further. I thank her with my eyes for this. We enter the villa and head into the main lounge. I just wish I could run home. People, too many people. Faces known and unknown, all staring at me. I can hear my heart pounding.

«Aly, are you okay?» Lindsey worries. I can't even open my mouth. I'm totally stuck, I can only think that I want to be at home, in my room.

«Aly!» she calls me, girding my wrist with one hand. Bad move, Lindsey. At that touch I feel more and more breathless. I just wish I could call Maia and get me to pick me up, but I can't. Somehow, I am able to pull back to the entrance. Someone's dragging me out. I struggle.

«No!» I scream. I'm panicking.

«Aly, stop. Stop!» someone tries to calm me down. I keep wriggling, ignoring the person who just spoke. I fall to the ground. I roll belly up and I see her. Eliza is in front of me. She crouches down and approaches me. Her blue eyes are watery and worried. She's the last person I’ve ever wanted to see me like this. I crawl backwards, unable to do anything else.

«Aly. Aly, stop.» she says. I'm not listening. I keep backing away, until I find myself against a wall. Damn, I'm trapped. I'm hyperventilating now.

«Aly...»

«No, go away! Go away!» I cry. Fear, panic, anguish, I don't even know what's dragging me into the abyss anymore. Shadows, this is all I can see in front of me. They're coming for me, and I can't resist. Not this time. A mute scream is all that comes out of my mouth. There is no grip. Nothing can save me from this fall. I plunge into the darkness and nothing will grab me. Nothing. 

** Eliza POV **

I haven't seen her in two months, but I never thought I'd be in front of her in such circumstances. I don't know what to do. Lindsey looks at me, dismays. Maybe she expects me to be able to help her, but the truth is that I have no idea how to act. The closer I try and make contact, the more she gets lost in a world full of horrors. I swallow, unable to make any decision.

«Do you know Maia or Marny's number?» I finally ask Lindsey. My friend shakes her head.

«Damn it!» I swear. I have to use her phone, and that means I have to approach her and force her purse. I bend over and try to approach her as slowly as possible. Her green eyes are completely dilated, I'm not even sure she really sees me. As soon as I grab the handbag and try to pull it off, I see her tending up. What the hell happened to you, Alycia?

«Sorry.» I mutter, grabbing the purse. I rummaged through it. I find the cell phone and pray to all the existing deities that Alycia does not have a code to lock the screen. Obviously not so. I turn to her. Under these conditions she will never be able to tell me what the right numerical combination is. I'll try the last card, the emergency call one. Thank goodness the first number is Maia’s. 

« _ Aly? Are you all right? _ » she answers immediately. She's agitated, like she's waiting for that phone call.

«Maia, it's Eliza. Alycia is here in front of me and she's having a panic attack. Lindsey and I can't calm her down.» I explain. I hear her cursing and waving.

« _ I’ll be right there, just enough time to get in the car and I'll be there. _ »

«What should we do?» I ask. Alycia is shaking harder and harder and I'm really worried.

« _ Just wait for me. Please, Eliza, don't do anything rash. _ » Maia recommends. She ends the call, and I've never felt more powerless.

«What did she tell you?» Lindsey questions. She's as worried as I am.

«That she is coming to get her and to keep waiting.» I answer, laconic. I have tears in my eyes. My heart cries to see her in this state. I stand in front of her. I just want her to stop shaking so much. I touch her leg and she clutches it to herself, as if she's afraid I'll take it away from her.

«Aly, please look at me.» I recall. «It's me, it's Eliza. Lindsey's here. We're here for you.». Nothing, no reaction. I'm about to throw in the towel when I decide to try one last move. I start humming a song, hoping she'll recognize it. She makes a strange face, as if she does not know well what to follow between her crisis and my melody.

« _Dawson's Creek_ theme song? Are you serious?» Lindsey blurts out. I keep her silent and I keep singing. Alycia almost looks like a child. She’s coming out of her head, I can feel it. I'm smiling. She’s still trembling, but definitely less.

«Aly!». I turn. Maia's here. She grabs her and I walk away. I wonder why she refuses any physical contact other than hers. Maia helps her to resume a regular breath and to stop shaking and makes her stand up. She makes her sit in the car and then she joins us.

«Thank you girls.» she begins.

«We did nothing. And it's true.» Lindsey replies.

«You stayed with her. I'm sorry, I wish I could explain more, but unfortunately I can't. Just know that this is a complicated situation.». I scratch my back of the head, watching Maia start the car and leave. Little Alycia, what the hell has happened to you these last two months?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello guys!  
> Hope you enjoyed the chapter. Again, sorry if there are some mistakes, English is not my mother tongue.  
> Poor Alycia, panic and anxiety attacks are horrible, she pushed herself too far.  
> Please, let me know what you think about it, I’d love a comment.  
> See you next week!


	3. 3.I Spend Too Much Time In My Room

3.

> _**I spend too much time in my room  
> ** **I keep too many secrets from you   
>  I like to be alone but it's bad for me   
>  Because I spend too much time in my room **  
>  **(The Band CAMINO-I Spend Too Much Time In My Room)**_

** Alycia POV **

_ Pain. It hurts so much. I don't see anything, just black and red blurs. I am afraid. So scared. I can't breathe anymore. I'm drowning in the dark. _

I wake up in shock. Maia and Marny rush into my room. They look tired and worried. I must not have put on a good show yesterday.

“Aly, it was just a nightmare.” Maia reassures me. I can't do it anymore. I'm so tired. My friends help me to get up and to walk me to the kitchen. Marny passes me some tea and some cookies. I look at food with disgust. I'm neither hungry nor thirsty.

"Aly, you have to eat." Maia urges me. I shake my head in reject. My stomach is in turmoil. Marny sits next to me, she takesa cookie in her hand and hands it to me.

"At least one.”. Right now, that little sweet seems to me the least appetizing and biggest thing in the world. I let her put it in my hand and I watch it. It's just a cookie, yet it presents itself to me as my worst enemy. I bring it closer to my mouth. I bite and chew, nauseous. I swallow and put the rest on the saucer in front of me. I can't do it. I feel tears asking me to peep. Marny sighs and strokes my back. Maia watches us, motionless. I know the situation is getting too much for them, too. I don't want them to leave, but at the same time I feel like I'm forcing them to annihilate themselves for me. Marny gets up and she starts going back and forth around the kitchen. She approaches Maia and she whispers something in her ear. I don't understand what's going on. Maia nods and she inhales deeply.

"Aly, we need to talk." she starts.

"Tell me." I exhort her to continue. I try to mask my anguish, with poor results. I can't even act anymore.

“Well... I don't know where to start.”. Now I'm starting to get nervous.

"I don't think there's an easy way to say it. I have to leave in two days, my agent found me a prominent role in a major production and gave me no choice. I'm sorry, it was a last-minute call.”. The world is falling on me. A frosty shower would have been more comfortable.

“How... How long?" I find the strength to ask.

"Three months." she answers, her voice is so low that I hardly hear it. My breath stops and my head starts spinning.

"I'm sorry." she apologises. I'm making her feel sorry because she works. I'm disgusting. I get up and run away. I need to hide in my room and not go out again. 

** Eliza POV **

I've been thinking all morning about what happened last night. I don't really understand what happened to Alycia.I've never seen her in this condition. Sometimes she was agitated for a red carpet or for an interview, but yesterday it was obvious that that was not the problem. I sigh.

"Are you going to eat that?" Lindsey brings me back to reality, pointing to the piece of cake I ordered.

"No, go ahead." I pass it to her. I'm too lost in my thoughts to be hungry.

"Eli, are you okay?" my friend asks me, biting the cake. I'm so absorbed that I can’t answer.

"You're thinking about Alycia, aren't you? She worried me too yesterday. On second thought, I'm an idiot. she was anxious from the beginning.”

"You couldn't have known, Linz. We haven't seen or heard from her in two months.” I comfort her. She feels guilty about what happened and it is understandable. I smile at her and I take her hand. I can feel her relaxing under my touch.

"We could go check on her.” she proposes.

"I don’t know. She didn’t seem very happy to see me yesterday" I object.

“You’re overstating. She was in a panic situation. I think she’d like a visit." she replies. I do shoulder pads. Alycia vanished from the face of the Earth two months ago, after a party with the other cast members of _The 100_. She went to the bathroom and never came back. Nothing was worth the phone calls, messages or visits. I always thought she'd look for me when she was ready, but I was wrong.

"Let's pay and go, all right?" Lindsey insists. All I can do is give in. We get in the car and we arrive at Alycia's house after about twenty minutes. I'm nervous and I don't even know why. Lindsey plays the intercom and we wait for an answer for five minutes.

"Maybe she isn’t home.” I assume.

"The windows are open." Lindsey notices. We don’t know what to do when the door opens and Marny comes to open the gate for us. I frown, not understanding.

"I thought it was Alycia’s ho..." I say, checking that I have not confused house number

"It is." Marny confirms to me, bitterly. She looks tired.

"What are you doing here?” she asks. Lindsey and I have a rather confused look at each other.

"We just wanted to know how she feels."my friend replies. Marny looks up. I'm seriously starting to worry.

"Let them in." Maia's voice orders from the inside. Marny sighs and she agrees. I jerk. I remembered a warm, cozy, tidy place, while this house is a mess. Bottles, empty pizza cartons, clothes everywhere, leftover food, it looks like this floor is a catalyst for dirt. Maia and Marny bow their heads. They'd like to talk, obviously, but something's blocking them.

"Is it possible to know what the heck happened in these last two months?”. Lindsey goes straight to the point, without wandering off too much. The two girls in front of us look at each other, insecure. It's Marny who takes over the situation.

"She spent the first week drinking everything. She locked herself in her room and she didn't even go out to come to the kitchen to eat. We took her to a therapist, but the results were pretty poor. At least, now she also frequents the other rooms of the house.” she explains.

"But why?” I ask. Something terrible must have happened to her.

"We can't tell you. If she ever wants to, she will." Maia replies.

"For now, you just need to know that she suffers from a severe anxiety disorder. We can't really tell you more." adds Marny. Lindsey shakes her head. There is something that annoys her in this situation, I can understand. I hope she will resist and not let herself go to unnecessary considerations.

"And you've been keeping her in this house for two months? What's more, without saying anything to anyone?”. Indeed. Maia clenches her fists. I can't imagine what she and Marny had to witness.

"The others and I thought we had done something wrong! Some claimed that she returned to the series only because forced and that, in fact, she hated us all!”. I'm forcing Lindsey to shut up, hoping to limit the damage caused by her words.

"Maybe you did not understand that she does not come out! Did you see what happened yesterday? What do you think we should do? Put an ad? Shout out to the world that she's sick?" Marny retorts, upset.

"Eliza and I are not the world!" Lindsey replies.

"Girls, stop, please." Maia tries to stop them, but the two ignore her.

"Aly might...”. Too late. I can see Alycia crouching on the stairs, in tears. I start running as fast as I’ve ever thought and I reach her. She watches me climbing the steps. Her green eyes are off, so sad. I stop a few inches from her and I avoid touching her.

"Aly, it's me. I’m here.” I murmur. She doesn't respond and she squashes against the railing. She looks away and she bursts into tears. It breaks my heart to see her like this. Maia joins us and holds her to herself. I turn to Lindsey. I've never felt more out of place than that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, Eliza and Lindsey found out about Alycia’s real conditions and it’s worse than they thought. Also, Maia has to go.  
> I hope you enjoyed the chapter, let me know in a comment, I’d like to read your impressions.  
> Again, English is note my mother tongue, so sorry if there are some mistakes. Don’t be afraid to point them out, I like improving.  
> See you next Wednesday!


	4. 4.She Don’t Want Nobody Near

** 4. **

> _**She don't want no one around**  
>  **Cause she don't want anybody to see**  
>  **What she looks like when she's down**  
>  **Cause that's a really sad place to be**  
>  **(Counting Crows-She Don’t Want Nobody Near)** _

** Eliza POV **

Lindsey and I are sitting in the kitchen. Coming here was one of the worst choices I've ever made. I close my eyes. Alycia's gaze, so full of terror, is now imprinted in my mind. I'm starting to get scared, too. What should I do? Ignore what I saw and pretend nothing ever happened? No, it is impossible. I look at Lindsey. She is angry, more at herself than at Marny and Maia. She has always had a good relationship with Alycia and I'm afraid she still feels guilty about last night. Maia’s coming brings us back from our thoughts.

"She fell asleep.” she announces. I don't know if I should be relieved by this announcement or not. Maia takes a chair and settles in between me and Lindsey, followed shortly after by Marny. They have a strange, indecipherable face.

"Things being as they are, we would have a favor to ask you." Maia starts talking. I frown. A favor?

"In two days I will have to leave for Florida. They found me a role in an important production and I couldn't refuse. Marny will find herself having to handle this situation on her own and I don't think that...”

"Nope!" Lindsey blurts out. "You've been hiding Alycia's real conditions from us for two months, prompting us to think she was fed up with us or who knows, and now you're asking us if we can babysit her? But what nerve have you?”. Maia bows her head.

"You're the only people besides the two of us and his agent who know how she feels.” Maia insists. She is begging us to help them.

"Doesn’t she have a family? I'm not talking about friends, since...”

"Linz, stop it." I interrupt her, irritated. I'm not sure why Maia and Marny decided to isolate Alycia and themselves for two months, but I feel this discussion needs to end now. The only thing that matters now is that she feels okay, besides, I don't care.

"What should we do?” I ask. Lindsey squints her eyes and gapes. I see a tear slipping down Maia's cheek. She smiles at me. Marny surrounds her friend with her arm.

"Usually, we take turns. Between eight and nine we have to get here. Alycia doesn't get up before ten normally, but it depends on morning. Then we stay with her all day. The night she settles, she learned to call when she has a crisis. Sometimes, however, it is necessary to sleep here. She takes some sleep medicine, but they don't always work perfectly.” she explains. I bite my lip. I read it in their eyes, Maia and Marny are terrified that I will decide to go back in my footsteps.

"Does she have nightmares?" I ask, I don't even know why.

"Almost every night. Aly asked us not to sleep here. We have reached a compromise, she can sleep alone, but we come to check her in the morning." Maia replies. I sigh. I'm getting into a bigger situation than I am, I feel it.

"I think Eliza and I should have a word for a second." Lindsey intervenes suddenly, interrupting my flow of thoughts. Maia and Marny nod and they leave the kitchen. It's just me and Lindsey now. My friend is fighting herself, I can see it.

"Eli, I know how you feel, she's also my friend, but I don't think I can do it.»

"Neither do I. And, I'm sure, neither do Maia and Marny. The point, Linz, is that something happened to Alycia that must have hurt her a lot and now she needs our help. You saw her, too. She doesn't look like herself anymore. I could never walk out that door and pretend this doesn't exist.” I say. I would never be able to ignore what I saw. I wouldn't sleep at night. Lindsey squints. I see her moving her leg up and down, a sign that she's undecided about what to do.

"I don't think I can do it alone.” she admits. I take her hand and I smile at her.

"We can do it together. Maybe with two people around Aly can get more distracted.» I propose. Lindsey nods. We get up and, by mutual agreement, we reach Maia and Marny. They look at us with a mixture of expectation and terror.

"It's fine with us. We'll do it together.” I disclose. The two girls breathe a sigh of relief. Marny hugs me.

“Thank you.” she murmurs. She moves away and leans against the wall. Both she and Maia seem more relaxed now.

"Is there anything else we need to know?" Lindsey asks.

"Yes, now we will explain everything." Marny replies, beckoning us to follow her on the couch. We listen to her as she explains the typical day that Alycia has been spending for two months here. Apparently, she only goes out to go to a convenience store behind the house to buy alcohol.

"She drinks less than you might think." she reassures us. At least she does not suffer from alcoholism, it is already something.

"Her therapist, Dr. Craven, comes every Thursday at 3:00pm. We never leave her alone then for the night, normally she feels really low and she is more anxious than usual." Maia continues. I feel more and more distressed. I can't back down now, I'm aware of it. 

** Alycia POV **

I'm in my bed, one with the sheets. Why did she come here? What did she want from me?

"Good morning." Maia greets me, entering. She put a dull smile on her face. She sits next to me and caresses my hair.

"There are some news." she starts. I don't know if I want to find out what she is talking about, but I encourage her to talk. I see her taking a deep breath.

"Eliza and Lindsey will help Marny during these three months.”. I inevitably start to get agitated. No, not Eliza, I don't want her to see me like that again.

"Hey, I promise I'll come back every time the production gives me the chance. I'm not disappearing, but I need this movie. Marny and I are doing everything we can, but without Eliza and Lindsey I don't know if we're gonna be able to keep helping you.”. Her honesty is brutal. I know what she means. If I get worse, I'll be hospitalized.

"Aly, they love you. They won't hurt you, I promise.”. I nod weakly. I wish I could believe her, but I can't.

"Do you want to say them goodbye? They're leaving.”. I say no with my head. I'm afraid Maia will get angry, but she makes me understand that everything is fine.

"I don't want you to leave.” I admit. My friend sighs.

“I’ll be back." she promises. She then gets up and she gets out of my room. I am alone with my thoughts. Eliza and Lindsey will help Marny. I don't have to worry, they won't hurt me.

They love me.

They won't hurt me.

I just wish I could believe it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, there are still no interactions between Eliza and Alycia, but I promise you that there will be from the next chapter.  
> What do you think happened to her? And will Eliza and Lindsey be able to help her? You’ll find out in the next chapters.  
> Thank you for reading and leaving a comment. I remember you I’m not a native speaker, so if there are some mistakes tell me. I enjoy improvement and I want this story to be well written.  
> Thank you again and see you next week!


	5. 5.Turn It Off

**5.**

> **_And in the free fall I will realize that_  
>  _I'm better off when I hit the bottom_  
>  _(Paramore-Turn It Off)_ **

**  
Eliza POV **

"Linz, come on or we'll be late!" I yell at her from the street.

"Don't scream, it's only half past seven and I don't want my neighbors to kill me!" she retorts from the window, snatching a laugh at me. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, she leaves the house. She locks the door and she rushes into my car. I start it and we head for Alycia's house. I tap my nose with my index finger.

"Are you nervous?" Lindsey asks me. I nod.

"Well, know that I'm shitting myself.» she confesses. I don’t answer and we travel in silence to our destination. I park the car not too far from Alycia’s. I hope walking will help me clear my mind. I'm scared, I admit it. I don't know if I can help Alycia. I don't even know what she needs. Maia and Marny explained to me what happens when she has her breakdowns and how they calm her down, but I don't think that's all she needs. The problem is, I don't have the faintest idea how I am going to behave. Can I talk to her? Can I ask her some questions? Will she talk to me?

"Hey, it's gonna be okay." Lindsey reassures me. I want to believe her, but I'm really struggling. I pull out the keys that Maia gave me and open the gate first and the door then. I go in hesitantly, followed by Lindsey. The house is gloomy and the carpet in the living room is full of half full bottles. I accidentally bump one and dump all the contents on the floor, under the couch.

"Shit!" I swear. I bite my tongue. I don’t want to wake Alycia.

"I'll go get a bucket and a rag." Lindsey handles the situation. She comes back soon after with the necessary to clean up and we begin to remedy my disaster. I don't know if these bottles should be taken and put somewhere, but I decide to take the risk and put them in the kitchen. We throw out the garbage and we prepare breakfast. Lindsey boils the water for the tea, and I put the cookies on a saucer. It's almost ten and I decide to wake Alycia.

"Are you sure you want to go?" Lindsey asks. I nod. I slowly climb the stairs, trying to be as quiet as I can. I don't want to scare her. A sudden whining makes me worry. I start running. I walk into Alycia's room. She's been up for who knows how long. I'm not sure she slept at all, actually. Her eyes are red and sad. Maybe it's because of Maia's departure. I'm undecided. I don't know whether to stay on the threshold or approach her. Alycia looks at me, like she wants to understand my intentions. She is on the defensive, and this attitude confuses me. She's never been like that to me. We've always been great friends. We used to spend our days together, why does she look at me like I'm a threat now?

“Hi.” she murmurs.

"Good Morning. Breakfast is ready.». She doesn’t answer. I can feel her breath getting shorter.

"Hey, hey, don't worry. Do you want me to bring your stuff here? You can eat in your room, Lindsey and I will stay downstairs." I propose. She seems to relax a little.

"O-okay.”. I'm smiling. She watches me, biting her lip. She almost seems to want to ask me something, but in the end she remains silent.

"I'll get you tea and cookies and I'll be right there." I state, going down the stairs fast. I go into the kitchen and I grab a cup and the saucer, under Lindsey's curious gaze.

"Won’t she come down?” she asks.

"No. She's very agitated and as soon as I got in she started breathing very hardly.” I explain. Lindsey bends over, sad. I understand, this situation is, for us, a stab in the heart.

"Hey, she'll get better, you'll see." I try to cheer her up.

"I hope so. I haven't even seen her and I already feel broken. Maybe deciding to stay here wasn't a good idea.”

"You're wrong, Linz. Maia and Marny needed a hand and someone who could represent a safe place for Alycia.”. Lindsey doesn't look very convinced, but she's not fighting back. She shrugs and she invites me to go back upstairs. I don’t think twice about it. Alycia didn't move out of bed. I walk up to her and I pass her breakfast.

"I hope it’s okay, I took the first pack of tea I found. You have plenty of them in your pantry." I try to strike up a conversation. She loved talking about her passion for tea, how could this have changed so much?

"Yes, it’s all right." she answers me, mechanic. She takes the cup in her hand and takes a sip. I should go and leave her alone, but I can't. I'm bewildered, my eyes fixed on her.

“Eli..." she calls me back. I shake my head, falling back into reality.

"I'm sorry... I need to be on my own." she tells me, almost with shame. I put my hand through my hair, realizing the discomfort I'm causing her.

“Oh... I... Sure." I babble. "Do you need anything else?" I ask.

"No, thank you.” she says. Her sad eyes dig into my soul. I’d like to hold her, let her know that everything will work out. But what everything?

"I'm going downstairs. If you need something, there I am.” I tell her. She nods in understanding. I turn to the door, hesitantly. I turn to look at her one last time, like Orpheus with Eurydice. I'm afraid she will disappear, that the pain she feels right now will swallow her up, like a snake with its prey. I see it wrap her in its coils, crush her until it devastates her. She suffers, but she does not break, not yet, and this comforts me. A horrible suspicion creeps into my mind. What if she is holding back? What if she doesn't want to appear weak in front of me?

"Aly...” I whisper. Her green eyes rise, clashing with mine. She watches me, curious. I waver. What am I supposed to tell her? That I love her? I think she already knows. I bow my head, unable to support her gaze.

"Nothing, I... I'm going down. Call if you need. Or even if you don’t need anything. I mean, I'm downstairs.”. I definitely go out of that room. I go down the stairs, getting lost in the creaks produced by the wood under my feet. Helping Alycia. No, it's a lie. I can't help her or save her. I can't. And, when I hear her sobbing, I realize that the only thing that is required of me is to be close to her and to love her, as she cannot do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some interactions between Eliza and Alycia, finally. The situation is difficult and Alycia is really broken.  
> Hope you liked it, the next chapter will be a very personal one.  
> Thank you for reading my story, please leave a comment so I can understand if you’re enjoying it.  
> If there are some mistakes, tell me. I’m not a native speaker and I want to improve my English.
> 
> I also have a request. I want to write another fanfiction, a Clexa one. I’d like to write it in American English. Would someone like to be my beta reader?  
> Thank you so much!
> 
> See you next time!


	6. 6.Rescue Me

**6.**  


> **_Rescue me_  
> ** **_From the demons in my mind   
>  Rescue me   
>  Rescue me   
> _** **_(Thirty Seconds To Mars-Rescue Me)_**

** Alycia POV **

I can't stop crying. I held on until Eliza went out, but I couldn't hold on any longer. I wanted to talk to her, ask her why she and Lindsey agreed to stay here with me. I wanted to apologize to her for disappearing, for implying feelings that don't belong to me. I could never hate my friends, let alone Lindsey and Eliza. Linz is a volcano, she took me under her wing and I think detesting her is impossible. As for Eliza, well, I don't think I could ever hurt her. I didn't want to disappear into nowhere. I didn't mean to hurt her. I didn't want all of this, but I couldn't help it. I feel the salty taste of tears invading my mouth. I lay a hand on my lap. I choke on a scream. It hurts even if it doesn’t hurt. I don't find any sense in all of this, but I don't think there is one. I pour myself on the bed. Every morning this pain assaults me and squeezes me in a vise. Every morning I let myself be enveloped by this snake and I do not allow it to let me go. I don't fight anymore. I don't seek freedom. I don't want it, I don't deserve it. I let myself be swallowed up by this shadow, by this pain. That's right. I feel the chest swell faster and faster. I'm reeling. I try to get as much air as I can, but I can't. I'm scared, so scared. I could call Eliza. She would come up and help me. I could. I should. Still, I don't. And I am alone with my anguish. I am alone with my terror. I am alone with my terrible memories. I am alone.

** Eliza POV **

I’m crashed out on the couch. I turned on the TV, but I’m not watching it. I sigh. Lindsey is sitting next to me. She hasn't had the courage to go upstairs yet. In return, she made chicken with peppers.

"I remind you that Alycia struggles to eat." I comment on the choice of menu. She rolls her eyes.

"It is a simple, tasty and cheap dish.” she replies. I raise an eyebrow.

"And since when do we have economic problems that force us to cook cheap food?”. Hit and run, Lindsey.

"I felt like it, all right?" she admits, making a funny pout. I giggle, amused. I sit down and I slap her leg.

"Ouch!" she grumbles. I don't hold back the laughter anymore and I get up. Lindsey looks melancholy.

"Do you think I need to cook something different?” she asks. She is obviously sorry and convinced that she has made a mistake. I lie down and put my hands on her thighs. I smile at her.

"We'll see, maybe she feels it. Anyway, I'm going to taste it, it looks really good.”. Lindsey calms down and stands up.

"Let's go call her.” she proposes. I follow her up the stairs, quietly. When we enter the chamber, the blood in our veins freezes. Alycia is in the middle of a very strong anxiety crisis, much worse than the one that hit her at the party. She's lying on the bed, prone. She is breathing hard, and her face is completely turned upside down. The saucer with cookies is on the ground, broken into a thousand pieces. I don't know what to do. I'm not ready. I try to advance towards her, but I see her back and forth, until she becomes one with the wall.

"Aly, it's us." Lindsey calls her back, sweetly.

"Maia..." Alycia mutters. Lindsey approaches her just enough to make eye contact.

"Do You Want Maia? We can call her.”

"Yes, I'll call her now." I assert, showing my phone. I’m typing the number, when I see her shake her head.

"No!” she cries. Lindsey and I are out of our depth. We exchange a confused gaze, hoping to find an idea that, however, does not arrive. I decide to do the only thing that comes to mind. I sit on the floor and start singing, hoping it works.

** Alycia POV **

The melody creeps through the folds of my anxiety. It asks me to trust it, to follow it. It doesn’t promise me peace, but only calm, for a short time. My mind orders me to stay with it, but I want to go out. I want to get rid of these chains. I want to follow this melody. Eliza is asking me to fight for my freedom. I can't. I'm a slave and I don't know how to fight to win my life back again. Still, I want to follow that promise. For the first time in two months, I want to trust someone. Eliza is reaching out to me, and I just have to shake her. I just have to give in to this melody. I am a newborn baby torn from her mother's womb. I am born to new life and I’m wandering. The first cry, the first breath. Yeah, I'm finally breathing. I’m finally seeing. Eliza is in front of me and she smiles at me. She's relieved.

"How are you? Do you feel better?" she asks, fearful. She is afraid to hurt me. She isn’t like  _ him_. She doesn't want to hurt me.

"Y-yes.” I stutter.

"Do you feel like coming to lunch?" Lindsey asks.

"I-I don't k-know.” I answer. It's the truth. I'm here now, but I don't know how long I can hold out of my head. I don't want to sink into darkness again. I don't want to go back in there.

"Aly, calm down. How about we come have lunch here? So you won't be alone. Linz has cooked chicken with peppers, but if you don't feel like it we can prepare something more suitable for you.”

"No, it's fine." I assure. I see them exchanging a nod and Lindsey goes downstairs. I'm alone with Eliza. Her blue eyes fathom me, as if to understand what is in my head. I'm sorry, but I can't say it. I couldn't even confess it to myself. I'm saddened again.

"Aly, hey...”. I look up. Eliza came up and sat on the bed in front of me. She dares and stretches her hand, until she squeezes mine. I swallow. I was scared of getting hurt, but I just feel relief and sweetness. There is so much tenderness in this simple gesture, an intimacy that I have not experienced for a long time.

"Here I am with lunch!" Lindsey exclaims, destroying the bubble that had been created. I turn to her and I take the plate she hands me. My stomach is in turmoil, but I decide to try to eat. One fork, then another. One thing is certain. Something is changed. I got out of my cell today, and I can't pretend it didn't happen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, Eliza managed to get Alycia out of her head. This is a little improvement, but the road is still long.  
> Hope you enjoyed it! Let me know with a comment, I love reading what you think.
> 
> I’m not a native speaker, so feel free to correct mistakes, I like improving.
> 
> Finally, I want to thank my beta reader, she is @shiraznroses on Twitter and she is the reason why I am able to post this story.
> 
> Thank you all, see you on Wednesday!


	7. 7.Shattered

**7.**

> **_And I've lost who I am, and I can't understand_  
>  _Why my heart is so broken, rejecting your love_  
>  _(Trading Yesterday-Shattered)_ **

**  
Eliza POV **

This loud music is giving me a headache. I don't know why I agreed to join the others tonight. I don't want to see anyone, let alone Bob. Since we broke up, we meet more often than before. We remained on good terms, we were already best friends even before we got together after all. The problem is that he knows me too well and he will surely notice that something is wrong. The thought of Alycia alone at home is torturing me. I can't pretend it isn't. Linz and I asked her if it would be better if one of us stayed to sleep, but she didn’t want. I think back to the moments before lunch. I have chills at the memory of her pouring on the bed. I've never cared so much about anyone.

"Eli, are you okay?”. I look up from my shot. I bump the glass and reverse all the contents on the table. I swear. Just what I needed.

"Wait, I'll help you." Bob proposes. He takes some paper towels and begins to dry the table, while I remain still, lost in my thoughts. I can feel Bob's hand resting on my shoulder. His dark eyes invite me worried to reveal what is wrong with him. I shake my head. I can't betray Alycia, not even with one of my best friends. That wouldn't be fair.

"I'm fine.” I chin.

"Of course, of course." he doesn't buy it. I'm panicking. I look around, desperate in search for Lindsey. Great. She’s having fun with a guy. I clash again with Bob's impassive gaze. He sits at the table, straining on the chair. I sit down, too. He eyes me, trying to figure out what's bothering me.

"It's because of Alycia, isn't it?». I jerk, but I try not to show it. It’s useless. He knows me too well.

“What...?”

"I was there too the other night. That scene shocked me, I dare not imagine what it did to you. I wanted to help her, but then I saw you with Lindsey and I didn't get close. I was afraid I was too much. You know how is she doing?”

“Badly." I let slip. I call myself stupid. I shouldn't have said that.

"I'm sorry. Maybe I'll go visit her one of these days.”

"No!” I exclaim. I was wrong, I'm not stupid, but completely stupid. Bob tries to investigate further, but I do not leave him the time. I get up and run out. It's a pleasant evening, not too hot. I light a cigarette and I try to relax. I need to clear my mind. I feel so useless. Yes, singing calmed her down, but only temporarily. As far as I know, she may now be in bed in total terror.

"Eli, please talk to me.”. I close my eyes and suck the cigarette. I'm not even turning. I don't dare look him in the face.

"Eli, did something happen with Alycia?" Bob insists.

"Stop asking me, I beg you.” I murmur. I have tears in my eyes. He hugs me from behind and snaps a kiss on the back of my head. I can't take it any further. I burst into tears and I hug him. I let go of all the emotions that I tried to suppress during the day. Only Lindsey knows the horrors I've witnessed. Only she knows the abyss that I saw in those green eyes. Only Lindsey knows the feeling of helplessness that pervades me.

"I don't understand, but I'm here." Bob reassures me. He smiles at me. I sigh. I step away from him and I sit on the sidewalk in front of the entrance to the club. Bob settles next to me. He's holding me.

"I don't know what's going on, but I'm here.”. I put a hand through my hair. Shall I tell him? Or should I shut up? What must I do? I'm afraid to go crazy.

"Bob, what I'm talking about now must not come out of your mouth. Swear to me." I start. He nods and crosses his heart and then he squeezes my pinky finger.

"Scout’s word of honour.” he swears. I let out a smile. I love this naughty side of him. I take my breath. I'm not ready to dive into all this pain. I am not ready to become aware of what I experienced today.

"Aly is very sick, Bob. She has been living for two months in her room, devoured by anxiety. I have no idea what the real problem is, though.” I explain.

"Wait, are you telling me that while we were wondering where she ended up, she was sick? Why didn't she tell us anything?”

"Only Maia and Marny know. They've been working shifts at her the whole time. Alycia told them not to open the door or answer calls. The day after the party, Lindsey and I went to talk about Alycia's condition, and they couldn't avoid us anymore. They did not explain much to us, nor did we insist that much. They just asked us to help her, since Maia had to leave to shoot a movie.” I tell him. Bob is serious. I see him clenching his fists. With Alycia he has always been quite protective and knowing her in this state does not have to be pleasant for him. It wouldn't be for anyone.

"I have never seen eyes as full of terror as hers. I don't know what happened to her, but it must have been horrible. Honestly, I'm also afraid to find out.” I continue. Bob caresses my head.

"You know, it takes courage to face the pain of someone we love. Not running away is not granted. You and Lindsey have guts to sell, Eli. I'm sure your staying will help you in some way." he tells me. I bite my lip. My eyes are watery. The feeling of helplessness that has gripped me since this morning has not faded, but it is shrinking. Maybe Bob is right. All we have to do is stay with her and see what this will lead to. I put my head on his shoulder. I'm calmer.

“Thank you.” I whisper. Bob doesn’t answer. He surrounds me with one arm. We stay like this, our gaze turned to the sky.All I can do is think about Alycia. I just wish she could trust the people who love her, too. I'd like her to open up, talk to me. I wish she wasn't alone tonight. I'd like to be there with her, fight with her. No one deserves to be alone with their demons. And, I swear, I won't let that happen, it's also the last thing I do. 

**Alycia POV**   
  


Alone. I am alone. It was my choice. I can't blame anyone. I am curled up in bed and I am clutching a pillow in my hands. I can’t see anything, only darkness. I feel tears wetting my cheeks. I just wish this was over. I just wish I had the courage to call someone. I squint. I can't do anything. I'm stuck, my body and my head are two distinct entities. I'd like to scream. I'd like to be heard. Yet, all that comes out of my mouth is a choked murmur.

“Help.”.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eliza needed someone to talk to. It’s difficult to deal with situations like this and Eliza needed Bob. She witnessed something terrible at Alycia’s, experiencing helplessness. At the same time, Alycia pushed everyone away, again. However, for the first time, she begged for help. Baby steps.
> 
> Thank you for your comments and kudos, it’s an important story to me and I’m happy to see that you are enjoying it. Let me know what you think about this chapter.
> 
> See you next week!


	8. 8.1x1

**8**.

> **_Annihilation never looked so good_  
>  _[...]_  
>  _Put me out of my misery,_  
>  _My mind feels like an archenemy_  
>  _Can’t look me in the eyes_  
>  _I don't know what hurts the most,_  
>  _Holding on or letting go_  
>  _Reliving my memories_  
>  _And they're killing me one by one_  
>  _(Bring Me The Horizon-1x1)_ **

  
**Alycia POV**

"Miss Debnam-Carey, how are you feeling today? I know you made some progress.”. I do not answer and I stare at the wall to my right. Dr. Craven is one of the best therapists in Los Angeles and her sessions have undoubtedly helped me a lot, but today I do not really want to talk.

"Marny, your friend, told me that there are two new people that stay with you.”

"They aren’t new, I have known them for a long time." I correct her, upset.

"Oh, I get it. And how is the relationship with them?”. I roll my eyes. I'm begging this session to end soon.

"If you don’t talk, it's worse." the woman tries to stimulate me. I shake my head.

"No, I can't go deeper than that.” I reply. I see her wincing, perhaps glad that she heard me, finally, expressing a position on my life.

"And why are you thinking this of yourself?" she asks me.

"But have you seen me?" I burst. Her eyes are clouded with tears. Is this woman heartbroken for me? She puts her glasses on her nose and smiles at me. I hate when people do that. I hate when they hide judgments behind a damn smile. Yes, I know, I'm broken. I have no idea what will make me live again. At the moment, I think I don't even want to get out of my condition. I feel well immersed in pain, after a while it becomes so familiar, so friendly. The world is frightening, it is a scary monster to watch out for. I don't have the strength to deal with it anymore. I don't feel like it.

"The session is over, see you next week."the therapist announces. I nod, without answering. I get up and I take refuge in my room. I sit on the floor, my head wedged between my knees. Finally alone, I give myself the luxury of letting go, releasing all the tears held up until that moment.

"Aly, let me in." Marny begs. I don’t answer.

"Aly, please!" my friend insists.

"No!" I answer, on the edge of despair. I should open the door. I should let her in. I should, but I'm not.

** Eliza POV **

Accepting to go shopping with Marie was a bad idea. I never thought I'd spend a whole day hanging around shops. I try to make up an excuse to go home, in vain. Marie drags me from store to store, undaunted. I don't even know what she’s looking for. The cell ringing gives me the opportunity to get away from the umpteenth window. When I read the name on the display, though, I jolt.

"Marny?”. She rumbles a huge amount of words on me, so much that I can’t understand what the problem is, at all.

"Marny, speak slowly!" I tell her.

" _It's about Aly... Please, I need help._ ”. My blood freezes in my veins. I don't dare ask what's going on.

"I-I'll be right there.” I say. I end the call and stand still for a few seconds. Marie snaps her fingers in front of my eyes, awakening me from that state of catalysts.

"Are you okay? Looks like you saw a ghost.”. No Marie, it’s worse.

"I have to go.” I murmur. My friend gives me a confused look. I turn and run to the car, without explaining anything to her.

"Eli, how do I get home?" I hear her asking behind my back.

"Call a taxi!" I answer her, without turning. I get to the car and I get in there. I insert the key into the ignition block, not without effort. My heart is in my throat. Marny would never have called me if something bad hadn't happened. After a lot of attempts, I manage to start the car. I almost head-on accident with a motorbike and I hurtle towards Alycia's house, oblivious to the fines that might come to me. I didn't consider L. A. traffic. I find myself honking my horn so I can get through. I enter dangerously at an intersection, ignoring a red light and, finally, I arrive at my destination. I park and I rush to the door. Marny won't even let me stick the key in the patch, she opens me without much hesitation. She has swollen eyes and shortness of breath. Now I'm seriously scared.

"Where is she?" I ask, terrified to hear an answer.

"I-in her r-room." Marny answers, sobbing. I can't understand. Alycia is always in her room.

"She locked herself inside. Last time she did it, Maia and I had... We found her completely drunk and puking on the floor. Her intentions were not good, Eli. Without Maia, I will never be able to get her to open the door." Marny explains. She's scared and I can’t blame her. I sigh and once upstairs, I knock at her door. No one answers. My heart is in my throat.

"Aly, it's me. Please open the door.”. Still nothing, just silence. Marny's on the floor, hands in her hair.

"Aly, open the door. I swear I won't stop you from continuing what you're doing, whatever it is. I just want to...”. I stop. Yes, what do I want? I want to know that she is okay. I want to be able to look at her eyes. I want to be able to hold her to me and tell her that everything is fine, that I love her even if she doesn't. No, I can't tell her that. I'd scare her even more.

"I just want to be able to sing again. You're the only one who listens to me without complaining. If you let me in, I can sing a song while you keep taking care of your stuff. What do you think?”. The seconds go so slow, they seem like hours. I'm already studying the door to figure out how to knock it down, when a thud allows me to breathe again. She has given in. She has opened the door. I nod to Marny to stay where she is and I cross the threshold, slowly. Alycia is on the balcony, leaning against the railing with her elbows. I approach her, but I don't touch her. I want her to trust me again, no to fear me.

"You promised a song." she murmurs, turning her back on me. I have a lump in my throat.

"I will sing, but only if we come in.”. She turns around. Her green eyes are dull, almost black. She brings a hand to her mouth and nibbles the thumb nail. She's trying to work out an answer. She looks around, turning first to the railing and then to me. I smile. I just want her to feel safe. I just want her to choose me.

**Alycia POV**

She smiles at me. It's such a different gesture than Craven's. There is no judgment about her smile, only affection. She reaches out to me. I don't know why, but I give up and grab it. I let myself be dragged into my room. I'm a puppet in her hands. She makes me sit on the bed and sits next to me. She doesn't even touch me. Do I scare her so much?

"Aly..." she starts talking. Her blue eyes look at me with concern. She's not stupid. She knows why I was on the balcony.

"I know that I am not Maia and that I will never fully understand what you are going through. Besides, I have no idea why you feel that way. What I mean is, I'm here. I meant it before. you're the only one who listens to me singing.”. I can't do it anymore. I burst into tears. I need to release all the pain I hide inside me. I need to show it, not be ashamed of it anymore. Hesitant, Eliza reaches out to my face. I'm losing a beat. I am afraid. I don't want to get hurt. Not again. I close my eyes. The light touch of Eliza's hand on my cheek makes me wince. It is delicate and not dirty. She wipes my tears and caresses my forehead. I open my eyes again. Eliza is in front of me and looks at me with her blue irises. She is afraid she went too far. I can feel that. I tell her everything's fine, to reassure her. She smiles, relieved.

“Rest." she whispers, inviting me to lie down. She gets up and heads to the door. I have to stop her. I have to let her stay. I need her to stay. I'm panicking again. I don't want to be alone with my head. I'm afraid, afraid of myself. I'm terrified of what my head might tell me to do or try. Eliza comes back to me in a hurry. She sits at the foot of the bed and takes my hand. I let her do it, without resistance.

"Aly, I'm here." she whispers to me.

“Song." I murmur, with the few forces left. She doesn’t make me repeat it twice and sings a melody unknown to me, yet so beautiful. And that's all I need right now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys!  
> I want to thank you for the kudos and I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Tell me what you think about it and the story, I really would appreciate it.  
> See you next Wednesday!


	9. 9.Right Before Your Eyes

**9.**

> **_Right before your eyes I am changing, changing  
>  New life on the inside I am changing, changing   
> (Hoobastank-Right Before Your Eyes)_ **

  
**Alycia POV**

I open my eyes little by little. My head is bursting, like after the worst of the hangovers. I'm staring at the ceiling. It's so white. If I close my eyes again, however, all I see is black. Black and white, two sides of the same coin. Two colours that are not colours. Death is a veil painted in black and white. My soul is wrapped in a black and white shroud.

"Are you awake? How have you been?”. Eliza's warm voice brings me back to reality. She's still sitting at the foot of the bed and watching me, concerned. Maybe I should lie to her and tell her that everything is fine and that I'm better, but those two blue wells are touching me strings that I didn't think I had. I have no chance of escaping. Those eyes ask me to follow them, to trust them. I swallow. How do you trust someone, if your world is, by now, in pieces?

“I..." I start, but the words die in my mouth. Eliza doesn’t talk. I clench my fists. I have to try. She's here for me. She won't hurt me.

"I need to... Eli, why are you here?" I ask, finally.

"Well, because Marny call...”. I stop her.

"Not in that sense. Eli, why are you here? Why are you with me? Why don't you leave me too?" I keep asking, in tears. I take a seat and hug my knees. I need answers. Eliza looked sad. She bites her lip. Is she looking for a way to let me know that she is here just for pity? Is she telling me she can't wait to leave? My mind, again. Aly think, she's been with you until now, why would she leave you right now? The truth is, I don't know. I don't know why she's here. I don't know why she should stay. I don't know why she should leave. I don’t know anything.

"Aly.”. I can't hear her. I can hear her voice, but I can't hear her. It's all muffled. It's all white.

"Aly!” she exclaims. I wake up, like I had a nightmare. I don't dare look her in the eyes, but she doesn't care. I don't understand, it's like she's sad about my condition, but she doesn't consider me just for my pain.

"I don't know who left you, but know that I will never do it. It's a promise, Aly. I care about you, that's why I'm here. I've missed you these two months. You're one of the most important people in my life, and I'm sorry you can't see how much you're worth. I love you and I'll always be there for you, I promise.”. I don't know if my heart is getting heavier or lighter. Even Maia didn't say such words to me. I begin to tremble, but not with fear. It's not anxiety, it is... Disbelief? This statement from Eliza struck me worse than a punch. It took me in the face, in the stomach, in the chest. It knocked me down.

"Why?" I find the strength to ask.

"There is no reason, I think. I just love you. I just want you to be happy, that's all." she answers me in simplicity.  I just want you to be happy , is there really such a possibility? I scratch my head, confused. I'm afraid to delude myself. I'm afraid to find out it's all false and painful, again. Eliza doesn't give me time to get lost in my thoughts again. She claps her hand against the mattress, being careful not to hit me. Only now do I realise the care she has for me. I have chills.

"Shall we have dinner? Lindsey brought pizza." she proposes with enthusiasm. I make an effort and get out of bed. Eliza opens the door and beckons me to move on. Maybe she's afraid I'll change my mind and get me in this room again. I sigh and slowly go downstairs. Lindsey welcomes me into the kitchen, smiling. She says hello, but I don't answer her. I'm going back inside my head again. The abyss attracts me and I can not resist.

** Eliza POV **

Alycia shuts down again. I try not to make her weigh all the effort she's trying, and I pass her the pizza. She stares the cartoon, unconvinced.

"Don't you like it? You wanted another flavour?" Lindsey panics.

"N-no, I like it.” she stutters. "It's t-to m-much.”. Lindsey looks at me and beckons me to follow her into the living room, but I let her know this is not the time. Alycia would see herself as a problem and that's the last thing I want.

"Eat what you feel, we will finish it." I calm her down.

"Eliza is a bottomless pit, don’t worry”

"Linz, Hey! That's not true!” I protest.

"As you wish, I will not tell her of when you ate my chicken on the last New Year’s Eve dinner we had together.”. Alycia bows an eyebrow.

"Don't listen to her, please.”. For the first time since we saw her at the party, she seems to be more relaxed. She bites a slice of pizza and almost hints at a smile. Only now do I realize how much I've missed her during these months. Now I just hope that, little by little, she will return to being the sunny girl I have come to know over the years. I watch her devour even the second slice of pizza.

"I'm full.” she announces.

"All right, don't worry." Lindsey reassures her as she takes the leftovers and divides them between her and me. We finish dinner quickly and decide to watch a movie. Alycia's mood seems improved and she agrees to stay with us.

"Do you want to choose something?" Linz asks her. She is good, she managed to get her involved all night. Alycia nods shy, she looks like a little girl.

"I would... I'd like to watch this." she declares, clutching a dvd in her hands. She is insecure and trembling. I take the DVD and I understand why such a reaction.

"Are you sure you want to watch  _ Pulp Fiction _ ? I know it's one of your favorite movies, but..." I'm trying to make her resonate. She looks at me with imploring eyes. I turn to Lindsey, as if to ask her for advice.

"We can try.” she states. I'm not very convinced, but I give up. I insert the DVD into the player and join the others on the couch. Beyond my rosiest expectations, Alycia watches the movie without fussing too much. When I turn it off, I find her asleep, her head resting on my legs. She looks almost serene. The face is stretched out, and the hands are clenched in fists. It gives me tenderness. I swallow. She is so... Beautiful? I shake my head. What's my mind telling me?

"Eli, maybe it's better that we let her rest here on the couch." Lindsey suggests, bringing me back to reality.

"Oh, uh, yeah."I babble. I get up, being careful not to wake her. I put her head on a pillow and cover it with a quilt. It's summer, but it's cool at night.

"I'm going to sleep. What are you doing?”

"I thought I'd stay here for a while longer Linz, in case she wakes up.” I answer. Lindsey nods and walks up the stairs, heading into the guest room. I sigh. I sit on the couch adjacent to the one on which Alycia is lying. I watch her. Her body is shaken by small spasms. Whatever she is dreaming about, it does not have to be pleasant. Soon, however, she seems to calm. I lie down and close my eyes, thinking only about the fact that I would cut off my arm to make her happy again and be able to see those beautiful green eyes shine again. I'd climb mountains for her. I don't know what happened to her, nor am I in a hurry to find out. The only thing that I care is her good and I will only focus on this. Isn't that how true friends behave, after all? Because Alycia is  _a friend of mine_ , right? I bite my lip and bring my hands to my face. I suffocate a moan of despair. I gaze at Alycia one last time. I'm screwed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! First, I want to thank you all for the comments and the kudos. Really, thank you. I also want to wish you Merry Christmas, I can’t wait for this terrible year to end, seriously.  
> In this chapter we can see a little improvement. Thanks to Eliza, Alycia feels a bit better. Baby steps, but she will be alright.  
> Let me know what you think and, again, Merry Christmas!


	10. 10.Scars That I’m Hiding

**10.**

> **_Why do these shadows follow me_  
>  _Whispering at me when I face myself?_  
>  _[...]_  
>  _Cold and alone with these_  
>  _Scars that I'm hiding_  
>  _(From Ashes To New feat. Anders Fridén-Scars That I’m Hiding)_ **

  
**Alycia POV**

"You owe me a thousand and five hundred dollars even, come on.”

"But Linz, I don't have them!" I protest animatedly.

"Then mortgage.”. I snort. I've never been good at Monopoly, damn it. I mortgage some of my hotels, bitter. Eliza laughs, amused by that scene. I've never seen Lindsey more competitive than this.

"Can't you give me a discount?" I try to treat. She flashes me with her gaze.

"Linz, come on, you have pretty much all the money in the package." Eliza tries to make her resonate.

"No mercy." Lindsey answers, dry. We stare at her, surprised by that attitude. We take a look at our belongings. Okay, we lost.

"I won!" our friend rejoices, throwing fake money in the air. We burst out laughing and I almost scare the hell out of me. I haven't had a laugh in a long, long time. I'm almost terrified. It is as if I no longer know what it means to laugh, to be carefree, free of anxiety and fatigue, even if only for five minutes.

"Hey, it's okay." Eliza reassures me. Her blue eyes guide me, bring me back to calm. It's like I know I can trust her. Eliza promises me the possibility of unconditional serenity and, I do not know how it is possible, I believe it. I inhale and exhale, repeatedly. I feel better. My head lets me go and I drink of that hour of air.

"I would say that it is time to prepare dinner. Aly, are you showering right now or later?" Lindsey asks me, distracting me from my thoughts.

“I... now.” I answer.

"I'll cook!" Eliza proposes. She helps me to stand up, reaching out her hand. In recent weeks, my relationship with physical contact has improved. Eliza and Lindsey still can't hug me, but I am able to tolerate a hand on the shoulder or ok the cheek. Now my mind no longer sees them as a threat, but as friendly figures. I accept help and grab Eliza's hand. I shudder at the contact between our fingers. I don't try to move away, it's not about fear or anxiety. On the contrary, I would never interrupt this squeeze. Her blue irises penetrate my brain. I don't understand what's happening to me.

"Aly, let’s go.”. Damn you, Lindsey, not now. Or maybe I should thank her, I have no idea. I see Eliza walking away, like she's burned. I sigh. She looks hard-fought, I don't know why. I don't have time to think any further, Lindsey takes me by the hand and walks me to the bathroom.

"I'll stay out here in case you need it." she states, as she closes the door. I'm on my own and I'm getting naked. The mirror in front of me rubs it in my pains and my wounds. A large scar runs through my belly, stopping just before my navel. I hate my body. I hate this mirror. Tears begin to cloud my eyesight. I try to throw them away with my hand, in vain. I’m getting into the shower, but I slip and fall ruinously on the floor. Immediately the door opens and Lindsey rushes to help me.

"Aly, are you okay?" she asks me, worried. A grimace of pain is printed on my face. I turn my stomach up and I leverage my arms to get up. It's only when I see Lindsey's horrified face that I realize what happened. I immediately grab the bathrobe and try to cover my belly, but it's too late. I didn't want her to find out like this.

"Please don't tell Eliza.” I plead. Lindsey's not answering. She stares at my scar, with open mouth and dark eyes loaded with horror. Not to my body, but to that scar. Towards its meaning. She clenches her fists.

"Linz...” I murmur.

"Who did it?”

"Please...” I whine. I want her to stop it, help me get up and pretend that nothing happened.

"Aly, who the hell did it?" she insists. She crouches at my height and looks at me tenderly. She covers me with the bathrobe and waits for an answer that, however, does not arrive. I'm starting to breathe hard. I don't want to remember. I don't want to relive that night. I can't. I'm not strong enough.

"No! Go away!” I scream. I'm not talking to Lindsey, but she can't know. She jerks up and backs away, scared. She looks at me, but I can't see her. My eyes don't recognize her. They only see him. My ears can't hear her. They only perceive him. I am afraid. I crouch against the wall and cover my face with my hands. I’m shaking.

"Please, no.” I implore.

I feel two hands gently gripping my wrists.

"Aly, it's me. I'm Linz.”. I look up.

“Lindsey...”

"Yes, I'm Lindsey." she confirms. She has tears in her eyes and a welcoming smile. She caresses me on one cheek, being careful not to make too sharp movements. I regain some lucidity and burst into a liberating cry.

“I’m sorry” I murmur.

"You don't have to apologize, Aly. Not you.”. I stiffen up. I don't know what to answer.

“I...”

"No, you're right, I shouldn't have insisted." she tries to calm me down. I bow my head. I don't know what to do. Should I talk? Should I confess the truth? I don't know it either.

"I don't know who did it." I say, all in one breath. Lindsey bites her lip. She would like to know more, it is understandable. She loves me and she's worried for me. I take a breath.

"When I think of him, I only see a black image, a shadow that assaults me and completely covers me. I just remember his voice. That laugh... It was horrible.”. I burst in tears again. Lindsey sits next to me. She puts her hand on my shoulder. She knows I can't take it any more. I'd like to tell her the rest, but she stops me. She is aware that I would definitely collapse.

"There's no need for you to tell me anything else, Aly. I don’t... I don't know what to say, except that I'm here. You can count on me for everything. I swear”. I thank her with my eyes.

"Please don't tell Eliza." I repeat. Lindsey sighs.

"Why?" she asks me. There is no pressure in her voice, just an honest desire to better understand what is going through my head. She watches me torture my hands, undecided whether to explain myself better or not.

“I... I don't want to be this.” I whisper. Lindsey caresses my cheek.

"You never will be, Aly. Not for her, not for me. The decision is yours, but know that you can always count on us. I speak for myself, but I'm sure Eliza would think the same way. You are and remain Alycia Jasmine Debnam-Carey, nothing else. You're not what they did to you. Don’t even think it.”. I'd like to believe that. Maybe the problem is another. Maybe the point is that I myself do nothing but conceive of myself as the evil that has been done to me. I'm not ready to find out if Lindsey is telling me the truth or not. I can't afford it now.

"Not now Linz. I can't.”. Between us the silence falls. I decide to get up and take this long-awaited shower.

"Promise me you'll think about it. You don't have to tell her right now, but I think it might be good for you to open up a little bit." Lindsey claims. I nod, not too convinced. She gives me a one last smile and leaves the bathroom, leaving me alone among a thousand doubts and memories.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, we finally know what had happened to Alycia.  
> I hope you enjoyed the chapter and I want to thank you for the kudos. I was questioning myself if maybe I should introduce some trigger warnings, even if I used the tags.  
> Please, let me know what you think about it, about the chapter and about the story, I love reading your comments.  
> See you next week.


	11. 11.Anywhere But Here

** 11. **

> ****_**I wonder**_  
>  _ **If maybe, maybe I could be all you ever dreamed, cause you are**_  
>  _ **Beautiful inside, so lovely and I can't see why I'd do anything without you**_  
>  _ **(SafetySuit-Anywhere But Here)**_

****

** Eliza POV **

"Are you sure?"Lindsey asks, uncertain. I nod.

"It will be beautiful. And she can't keep being stuck at home.” I say.

"Eli, she...”

"Yes, I know, but we don’t want to take her to the park, Linz. It's about her garden.” I insist. Lindsey scratches her nose, not sure about my plan.

"Garden?" a voice squeaks behind us. I jolt. I turn slowly. Alycia stares at us, confused. Her beautiful green eyes want to find out what we're up to. I get lost for a few seconds in her emerald irises. God, Eli, behave yourself. A kick in the shins pulled by Lindsey awakens me from the trance.

"Oh, yeah, um... We thought we could have a picnic out here.”

“She thought." Linz corrects me, bringing out all her disagreement. I look up to the sky and snort, upset.

“A... A picnic? But I should..." Alycia starts to panic. I move towards her, gently taking her hands.

"Hey, hey, don't worry. We're not going anywhere. I thought that we could eat here in the garden. There is a nice sun, it is not excessively hot and going out into the fresh air would do you good.” Alycia looks away. She point her eyes at the floor. She is considering the proposal, trying to figure out what might go wrong and why.

"Do you see? I knew it would be a stupid idea." Lindsey blurts out. I shut her up. Alycia hasn't said no yet. In her eyes I can read the desire to say yes and the fear of doing so. I chase her gaze, forcing her to raise it up. I lock my irises to hers. She looks like a child, in the most tender and pure sense possible. I don't know how long we stay like this, facing each other. All I know is that the world is gone. Lindsey, the living room, the walls, this house, there's nothing but Alycia and her green eyes. They are so sad, yet no longer lifeless. I like to think that a little is my merit, but the truth is that Alycia is doing it with her own strength. Maybe this is why I... No, I can't say it. I can’t admit to myself such a truth. I can't afford it. I'd risk to destroy the relationship with her. I'd risk to annihilate her, and I don't want to. I sigh and look away. Little by little, the world appears again around me. Lindsey's squaring me up, suspicious. I hate her ability to read me inside. Alycia's still in front of me. She takes a deep breath. She looks like a swimmer on the starting block the fraction before entering the water. She's funny in her tenderness.

"All right, I'll try.” she whispers. A wide smile is printed on my face. My eyes are shiny. I see her approaching the front door, hesitantly. She puts her hand on the handle and lower it with a disarming slowness. She pulls the door towards herself and lets herself be overwhelmed by the light summer wind coming from outside. She stops, her gaze fixed in front of her.

"We don't have to." I whisper in his ear.

"No, I want to." she claims, tough. Her chest swells and deflates, it looks like a balloon. She takes off her slippers, remaining barefoot.

"What the...”

"Shhh, not now Linz." I shut up my friend. I dwell on Alycia. She bites her lip and clenches her fists. She stretches her leg, until she puts her foot on the green grass. At that contact, she shudders. She is learning all over again. Only now she begins to get to know her home again, the fresh air, the grass, the sun. She turns to us with, proud. I would like to hug her and be able to tell her how proud I am of her, instead I do nothing but stand still and watch her, admire her as she moves shy steps in her garden. Her green eyes shine. They're not as sad as a few minutes ago.

"Eli, are you okay?”

"Oh, I... Yes Linz, I've never been better.”I answer. I don't know if I'm lying or if I'm telling the truth. Every time I cross her gaze my heart overflows with joy, but if I think that I will never reveal to her how I feel about her I feel like dying. I bite my lip and bow my head. I turn around and head to the kitchen. Lindsey goes to follow me, but I tell her everything is fine. I am back soon after with the food she and I have prepared. I lay out two mats and invite the others to sit.

"I hope you like our sandwiches." I say, passing a sandwich to Alycia. When my blue eyes meet her green I'm forced to look away. My heart seems to want to come out of my chest.

"Sorry." I mutter, as I get up and run inside. I rush to the bathroom and bathe my face with cold water. I hear the door opening and I jerk.

"Linz, come back to A-...”. I stop talking. Alycia is in front of me, worried. I sigh and put a hand on my forehead.

"Eli, are you okay? Did I do anything wrong?”. No, Aly, please don't blame yourself for my stupidity. I swallow, eyes fixed on the wall. I don't have the guts to look her in the face.

"Aly, you did nothing wrong. I'm just a little tired.” I lie. And I do it really bad too. She moves towards me.

"Eli, please. I have anxiety and depression issues, but I'm not stupid. Just tell me if I did something wrong.”. She is sobbing. She really thinks she hurt me in some way. I smile at her sweetly, trying to put aside what I just realised to feel for her. Useless attempt, as soon as I find her face a few inches from mine I feel the brain go blissfully to hell. Maybe I should tell her the truth. Maybe it would be good for her to know that there is someone who considers her in a special way.

“I... You...”

"Alyyyyy!”. Alycia and I turn. I breathe a sigh of relief, even if I’m not so happy. I feel like I missed an opportunity. I watch Alycia run out of the bathroom and throw herself into Maia's arms. Behind them, Marny smiles, halfway between the happy and the incredulous.

"When did you come back?" Alycia asks Maia.

"Marny just picked me up at the airport. I'm staying for a couple of days, and I thought I could stop by your place tonight.”. Alycia nods, happy. She looks like a baby on Christmas Day.

"Well, then we’ll go." I say, dragging Lindsey to the gate. Marny stands in front of me. She seems moved.

"Taylor, Morgan, how the hell did you do that?” she asks. I shrug.

"We just pushed her a little bit, no big deal. She did everything.” I explain. Marny hugs me, leaving me astonished.

“Thank you.” she whispers in my ear. "Since you are there, she is more serene. You are good for her..” she keeps saying. I fake a smile. To annihilate yourself for someone else's happiness, is this the meaning of the word sacrifice?

"We just want her to be okay."Lindsey explains. I thank her mentally for taking the initiative. I feel the tears peeping and I curl my nose to restrain myself.

"I have to go." I cut it short, heading as fast as possible to the car.I don’t turn. I don't want to look at her. I can't. I open the door and sit in the car. I put my head behind the wheel and start crying. I don't even realize Lindsey joined me.

"Eli, what the hell is going on?" she asks, worried.

"Nothing, I'm fine.”. I'm pathetic.

"Yeah, I see it.”

"Lindsey, please leave me alone.” I implore. My friend doesn’t listen to me and grabs me by the arm, forcing me to turn towards her.

"You've been weird all day. Can I know what the problem is? At lunch, you seemed to want to avoid Alycia. Did she do or say something to you?”. I run my hands over my face and through my hair. I don't even know what to say.

"Eliza, I'm freaking out." Lindsey insists. I ignore her. I get out of the car and head back to Alycia's house. She is still outside with Maia and Marny. She has a melancholic gaze, I left without even saying goodbye, after all. When I see her, my heart flutters. I'd like to confess how I feel, shout it out to the world. I stop at the gate, circling the bars with my hands. She's so beautiful. She looks at me with curious eyes. Those eyes... I don't know why I came back anymore. My only certainty is that I can't hurt her. I would never forgive myself. I have to stay rational. I can do this.

“I... I didn't say goodbye. I'm sorry." I begin.

"See you the day after tomorrow?" she asks, hopeful.

“Yes. See you on Monday!”. I turn around and run away for good. Lindsey stares at me, confused.

"You look great, yeah.» she comments. I sigh. I can't take it anymore. I can feel a weighs in my chest.

I lean on the car. I can see Alycia's house from here. I imagine her sitting on the grass, for the first time in so long, while she gets told by Maia about the film that she is shooting. I let out a smile, then I turn to Lindsey.

"I messed up, Linz." I start talking. My friend approaches me, putting herself in front of me. She seems to guess the nature of the problem, but says nothing. She clutches me, as I begin to sob, louder and louder.

"I like her, Linz. I like her and I don't know what to do. I don't want her to walk away from me or get sick. God, I don't even know if she could ever want me that way." I despair. Lindsey pats my back.

"Eli, I have no answers. All I know is that when she's with you, Aly feels better. Maybe one of these days you can find a way to make her understand what you feel, but it is not by pushing her away that you will solve the problem.”. I nod. I wipe my tears and look up at the sky. It's so blue today.

"Just take it easy, okay?" Lindsey admonishes me. She seems to get morose, like she wants to tell me something.

"Aly is... I mean, you don't know what she might have been through.”. I don't know if she is warning me or just inviting me to be careful. I decide not to get carried away by my paranoia and I hug her.

"I love you.”

"Me too, Taylor. Me too.”. I take one last look at the blue sky. I wonder if Alycia is doing the same from her big green garden.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, Alycia managed to go outside of her house for the first time in months. However, Eliza realised to feel something for her and this could be a problem. You will see.  
> Thank you for the kudos and for leaving a comment. Please, let me know what you think about the chapter and the story.  
> See you next week!


	12. 12.Up All Night

12.

> **_Let me get this straight, do you want me here?_  
>  _As I struggle through each and every year_  
>  _And all these demons, they keep me up all night_  
>  _(Blink 182-Up All Night)_ **

**  
Alycia POV **

Maia has left for a few hours and I already feel empty. She's my best friend, with Marny and the police the only person who knows what happened to me. My breath goes erratic and I go back to see black again. I get out of bed and throw the pillow on the floor. This life repels me. I'm neither living nor surviving. I am in limbo with no way out, a miserable cradle of pain and illusion of a possibility of escape. I scream with all my breath in my throat. No one hears me. No one can hear me. I head to the little closet in front of my bed. I open it and grab a bottle at random. I uncork it and start drinking it like water. It tastes awful, but I don't care. I just need to forget. I burst into tears. I stare at the wine in front of me. The quality is really bad, you can see it from the colour. I sigh. No, maybe that's not what I need. I rummage into my sweatshirt pocket and pull out my cell phone. I scroll through the column, undecided on what to do. It's almost one in the night and it's Sunday, I expressly forbade Marny to stay with me and Lindsey and Eliza will already be sleeping. Yeah, Eliza. Saturday was all about avoiding me. The thought of something being wrong and inadvertently hurting her cannot leave my mind. I don't own my body. I don't even know what I'm doing. Fingers move by themselves on the display. I listen to the phone ringing blank, waiting for an answer. I don't want to be alone. I don't want to forget, I just want to be able to move on. I'm shaking. The phone keeps ringing, that annoying tu-tu leaves no room for any human voice. I'm about to give up. I raise my thumb and lower it, so I can turn off the call.

" _Hello? Aly, are you okay?_ ”. And my breath is completely out of control.

**Eliza POV**

I am aware that it is late, but I do not know what else to do. I knock on the door. A sleepy Bob opens up to me, surprised to see me at this hour.

"Eli, it's almost one in the morning.”

"I know, but I have nowhere else to go.” I answer. Bob rubs his eyes and invites me in. He makes me sit in the kitchen and pulls an iced beer out of the fridge. He knows me too well. He opens the bottle and hand it to me. He, on the other hand, prepares a hot coffee and pours it into a cup, careful not to get burned. He sits next to me, not quite awake. "What's going on, Taylor?” he asks me. I turn the beer in my hands, unable to begin to talk. I need to talk to him about this, but I'm stuck. Not because it's my ex, but because I'm the first one not to accept my feelings.

"Eli, are you going to say something or can I go back to sleep?”. I take my breath. I look him in the eye. I'm afraid of what I'm about to confess out loud. I've done it with Lindsey before, but now it's different.

“I... I like someone, Bob.”. He looks at me confused.

"It's a good thing, Why do you have that funeral face? Is he married?”

"She's a girl." I reveal in a sigh. Bob frowns. He definitely didn't expect it.

"She’s Alycia." I whisper, almost hoping he can't hear me. But he can hear me, but he can hear me. He almost chokes on coffee. He squeezes his eyes. I look away, full of shame.

"Well, it is... How can I say, it's a surprise.”. An awkward silence falls between us. I scratch my neck.

"Bob, I can't do this to her. First, I don't even know if she's lesbian or bisexual. I myself still struggle to accept this part of me. Besides, she's not well enough to deal with something like this. If she were to refuse me, I would be forced to disappear from her life and cause her only pain. If she were to reciprocate, she wouldn’t have the strength to make our hypothetical history public. Journalists, photographers, crazy fans, you know how our world turns. I can't let her suffer again.”. Bob lays the coffee. He heads to the pantry and pulls out some whiskey and two glasses.

"I think that we need something strong." he explains and I nod. He pours the alcohol and drink it all in one breath. I do the same. He scratches his forehead, looking for something to say that is not a mere speech of circumstance.

"First, what Alycia is the only one who knows what she is able or not to do. Don't underestimate her, Eliza. She is sick, but she's not weak. Don't hide behind her problems.”. 1-0 to Bob, ball in the center.

"Secondly, if you don't feel like telling her now, wait for a more auspicious time. Did you talk to Lindsey about it?.” I nod.

"She told me to be careful and she's right. We don't know what caused her anxiety attacks. If I forced my hand, I could break her.”. I have tears in my eyes. The thought of hurting her kills me. Bob puts his hand on mine. He smiles at me.

"Linz is right. Just don't use this as an excuse to run away from her, Eli. She needs you, no matter how. Lindsey told me about your picnic, it is undeniable that her and your presence are vital to her.”. I close my eyes for a few moments, trying not to burst into tears again. Bob's holding me. The cell phone ringtone brings me back to reality. I read the name on the display and bleach.

"Hello? Aly, are you okay?”. Silence. I just feel her breath getting harder and harder.

"Aly? Please answer.” I insist. I'm terrified.

" _S-song._ ” she stutters. I clench my fists. I feel so useless.

"Bob, thank you for everything, I...”

“Go. And say hi to her. Tell her I miss her so much.”

“I will." I promise, and then I rush down the street. I get to the car and fly to Alycia's house. I am very agitated and I find it difficult to unravel between the bunch of keys I have in my hand. After several minutes, I manage to open the gate and, subsequently, the door.

"Alycia, I'm here!” I exclaim. No answer. My heart's in my throat. I'm going up the stairs fast. Her bedroom door is open. I enter it, trying to be as quiet as possible. And finally, I see her. She is sitting at the foot of the bed, her knees pressed against her chest. Her eyes are closed and her cheeks are wet from tears. I crouch in front of her and caress her face, gently.

"Aly, open your eyes.” I whisper. Slowly, Alycia obeys. Little by little, her eyes open, revealing an intense emerald treasure full of suffering and questions. This is not the time to let myself be invested by all this green. I smile at her, looking down slightly.

"You're here...” she murmurs.

"Yes, I'm here.” I confirm. Suddenly, she clings to me. I gasp, surprised by that gesture. I don't know what I can or can't do and I decide to try stroking her back. She doesn’t move away and I rejoice in silence. I can hear her shaking and sobbing. She's crying on my shoulder and giving me permission to be with her. Bob and Lindsey are right, I can't use my fear of my feelings to run away from her. She needs me and I cannot ignore this truth. I cradle her, as gently as possible. When I see she's calmed down, I lay her on the bed. I tuck her blankets in and pat her forehead.

"If you need anything, I'm downstairs." I assure her. I head at the door and make my way out, when I hear her calling my name. I turn. That green, again. My legs are sea, but I don’t show it.

"Please stay." she begs me, the voice so subtle that I have to strive to understand what she has just said. I'm afraid, but she needs me. I nod. I take off my shoes and sit at the foot of the bed, but Alycia beckons me to lie down next to her. My heart is pounding in my chest. I lie next to her, being careful not to touch her. She turns and hugs me. I let her do it and scrub her hair, until she falls asleep. I sigh. It's going to be a very long night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello guys, how are you? I hope everyone is safe!
> 
> This is one of my favourite chapters, I hope you liked it. Please, let me know what you think about it, it would be important for me.  
> Thank you for the kudos!
> 
> See you next week!


	13. 13.Trying Not To Love You

13.

> **_  
> 'Cause trying not to love you_   
>  _Only makes me love you more_   
>  _(Nickelback-Trying Not To Love You)_ **

**  
Alycia POV **

_I'd like to run, but I can't. I'm paralyzed. A dark shadow meets me and gushes me, rapacious. I try to wriggle, but the body no longer obeys me. I don't see anything anymore. The only thing I feel is pain._

I open my eyes and sit down. I’m shaking. Eliza wakes up in shock and it takes a while for her to figure out what happened. She finds me trembling like a leaf.

"Aly, hey, relax. It was just a bad dream." she tries to calm me down. No, Eliza, it wasn't just a bad dream, but you can't know that.

"Do you want to talk to me about it?" she proposes me sweetly. I shake my head, hinting at a bitter smile.

"No, I'm sorry.” I answer. Eliza caresses my cheek. There is something different in her gaze, something indecipherable. Her eyes probe me in a new way, unknown to me. They make me feel important, wanted. We stay like this, with her hand on my cheek and mouth ajar while I sit with my back resting on the pillow and the desire to understand what is happening to us.

"Hey, sleeper! Breakfast is ready!”. Lindsey, again. The bubble that was created dissolves in a second. Eliza retracts her hand and looks away. She looks scared and I don't know why. Did I do something wrong?

"Did I interrupt something?" Lindsey asks.

"Absolutely not." Eliza answers. She's nervous, and that makes me anxious. I'm afraid I did something wrong, that I bothered her. I watch her get out of bed and massage her neck.

"Are you okay?” I ask her.

"Yes, Aly. I just need to eat something”. She didn't even turn to answer me. Her voice is so cold, mechanical. I feel like I'm dying inside.

"I'm going downstairs, we'll wait for you." she says, before disappearing past the door. I stay strong and I get up. I can't understand her reaction. I just know that, right now, a stab would have hurt me less.

** Eliza POV **

  
  


I'm an idiot. I repeatedly slam my head against the wall, so much is the frustration.

"Eliza, what are you doing?" Lindsey stops me. She makes me turn to her and hugs me. I must look awful.

"I can't do it, Linz. I can't pretend I don't have feelings for her.” I explain.

"And don't do that.” my friend replies, displacing me. I give her a confused gaze.

"Eli, you can't run away from her. You'll look at her a certain way, you'll treat her differently than you treat me, and that's right. The important thing is that you don’t force your hand too much.” she explains.

"Linz, I wanted to kiss her this morning. What could happen if...”

"It won’t happen. Eli, she called you last night. I hope you realize what that means.”. I sit down, my head in my hands. On the one hand, I feel a huge responsibility on myself, on the other my feelings are beginning to get stronger and stronger. I can't ignore them, but I don't want to hurt Alycia either. I feel completely stuck. I see her coming into the kitchen. She has a sad look, and it's all my fault. She sits at the table and waits for Lindsey to bring her tea and cookies. The mood is tense.

"So, what do you want to do today?" Lindsey comes to the rescue. I don’t answer. I already know that whatever Alycia decides to do, it will be fine. The only thing I really want is to see her happy.

“I... I'd like to go out.”. Lindsey and I squint. We don't believe our ears.

"I enjoyed being in the garden the other day.” she admits. She bows her gaze, full of shame. I would like to tell her that there is nothing to worry about, but I don’t. I stay silent and play with the cutlery. I am ruining everything and I am aware of it, but the fear of destroying who I should preserve is prevailing over everything. I look at her in droves, but she notices it. She gets up and leaves, while Lindsey flashes me with her gaze. How can I blame her?

** Alycia POV **

We are lying on the lawn sunbathing. I don't really know what‘s Eliza’s problem. She avoids me and looks at me with sad eyes, from afar. She seems to be hiding something that's eating her from the inside. Who better than me can understand this feeling? Who better than me can know what it means to hide a demon who, day after day, takes possession of the mind, body, faith, hopes of his victim? I shake my head. Apparently, for today the roles are reversed. I get up and clean up the grass. I’m joining Eliza, when Lindsey stands in front of me. I don't understand.

"What are you doing? Let me through!" I get nervous.

"Aly, let her blanch. Please, I'm saying it for your own good.”. I try to push her away, but she's much stronger than me. She doesn't lay her hands on me, aware that this would cause me a panic attack.

"I need to understand if I did anything wrong.” I confess. Lindsey sighs. She knows something I don't know, it's obvious. And I'm afraid it's about me.

"Please.” I insist. She is struggling. She turns to Eliza, then stares at me again.

"That's fine. But Aly, please, be aware that we love you.” she gives up. I don’t understand the reason for such a recommendation to be made, but I don’t ask for further clarification. I approach Eliza in stride, trying to fend off the anxiety that is beginning to grip me. She seems surprised to see me.

"Aly..." she starts, but in reality she is just trying to cut the speech short, even before it begins. I sit next to her. I must appeal to all my strength not to burst into tears.

"Eliza, don't try. I need to understand what I did to you. It’s clear that I hurt you in some way because you've been avoiding me all morning.”. I see two big tears framing her face. She looks at me, her eyes are full of tenderness. They take my breath away. Her blue irises scream at me a goodness that I have never experienced in my life. They're begging me not to doubt for a second the affection they feel for me. No one has ever looked at me like that. No one has ever known how to caress me simply with a pair of eyes. I can feel her hands on mine. They're hot.

"You didn't do anything, Alycia. I swear to you, being with you, having the privilege of spending days with you makes me the happiest person in the world.”. My heart is pounding and my head is spinning. Does she really like being with me? Is she really happy to spend her days with a scrap like me?

"It's just that... It's just that I have a little thoughts right now. I just need to clear my mind on an issue.” she keeps talking. I notice that her cheeks are red. Is she embarrassed?

"Eli, I know you probably just see me as a depressed person who needs help, but...”

"No!" she interrupts me. "You're so much more than that, Aly.”. I nod, not too convinced.

"The point is that I am here. You don't have to keep everything inside. I know I'm the first one not to open up much, maybe doing so could convince you to...”

"Aly, no, no! Stop, not like that. I absolutely don't want you to force yourself. Not for me. You'll tell me what you want whenever you want.” She smiles at me, sweetly.

"That’s right." I do not insist further. I sigh. Without thinking too much, I lay my head on her shoulder. I hear her wincing and look up, scared. She motions to me that there is no problem and invites me to stay with her. I do as she pleases and close my eyes, beaming at her presence. I don't know why, but I need her more and more. Near Eliza I feel safe, I feel at home. How did I even think I could get her away from me? Yet, something bothers me. I'm letting go with her, and I'm afraid that this is the problem. I'm afraid I'm crossing a line I shouldn't even have come close to. I look at Eliza one last time. Her eyes are closed and she is enjoying the sun. She looks serene, and maybe I should try to be, too. All I know is that I need this contact between her and me. All I know is that I need to see her blue eyes again. All I know is that I need to be looked at by her again. All I know is that I need her. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! I hope that everyone is safe! 
> 
> So, the situation between Alycia and Eliza is getting more and more complicated. Eliza likes Alycia, but she doesn’t want to scare her and it’s understandable.
> 
> Thank you for the kudos and the comments. Let me know what you think about this chapter and this story, I love reading your thoughts.
> 
> See you next week!


	14. 14.I Can’t Make You Love Me

14.

> **_I can't make you love me_  
>  _If you don't._  
>  _You can't make your heart feel_  
>  _Something it won't_  
>  _(Bonnie Raitt-I Can’t Make You Love Me)_ **

** Eliza POV **

  
  


In the last week, I've been able to reconnect with Alycia. I did it for her and for Maia and Marny. I did it because I promised to help. I did it because the very thought of abandoning her is devastating. And yet, I'm terrified of having to make this decision sooner or later. Or, perhaps, I could confess what I feel and ask her if it's the same for her too. I could ask her permission to love her. I could do a lot of things, yeah, but apparently, I'm not like Clarke Griffin. I am brave and strong only in words, but the truth is that, in front of Alycia, all my security collapses inexorably. I don't know if I'm more afraid of hurting her or hurting myself. I have no idea because when I'm with her I literally know nothing. I empty myself of everything known, of my name, of the past, of the future. Me it’s everything that remains, me as essence. Before Alycia I rise to essence and the world no longer matters. She and I become pure present, nothing less. But how long will it last, I wonder? What if she doesn't reciprocate? What if the relationship between her and me changes? If my feelings were to cause her grief, how much would I suffer? It's paradoxical. I'm so afraid of making her suffer that, in the end, I'm afraid I'm the one who's going to suffer. And so I stand still, doing nothing. I spend my days with Alycia just because I feel that, otherwise, I might lose a part of myself. I feel like I might lose my essence.

"Eli, are you ready?" Lindsey brings me back to reality. I sigh.

"Wait a minute!" I say, locking myself in the room. I lean against the wall and inhale deeply. How dare I show up at Alycia's house tonight? How long will I be able to hide my feelings for her? How much longer can I pretend and lie to her?

"Eli, come on, Marny will be there in twenty minutes." Lindsey calls me back. Here we go. It’s showtime. I leave the room, sporting a dazzling smile. Lindsey is not stupid and looks at me as we get in the car.

"It's just a dinner and you already see her once every two days.”

"The fact is that maybe it's time for me to stop seeing her. Not as long as I have these feelings for her. Linz, I can't handle it anymore, and I know that if I give in, I will end up hurting her." I despair. Lindsey puts a hand on my back.

"I don't have an answer, Eli. I have no advice, I have nothing to offer you. Just try to figure out what's best for Alycia. Don't force her.”3. Again that strange shadow in her eyes.

"Okay, what do you know that I don't know?" I ask, resentful. I see Lindsey pulling a hand at the wheel. She stops the car and inhale deeply.

"Linz, talk to me!” I insist. She turns to me.

"Eli, that's not the point. I won't add anything else. That's enough, we're late." she cuts short, bitter. I take the hit and decide to remain silent for the rest of the trip. When we get there, I get out of the car by slamming the door. Marny welcomes us and I try to mask the strong sense of discomfort and embarrassment I feel. When my blue eyes cross that familiar green, though, I feel lost. Is it possible for two irises to arouse so many emotions? How can two eyes make me feel so alive, so human? I feel my head spinning, like I'm drunk. Thank goodness, Lindsey pushes me to the table, waking me up from that apparent trance state. I sit down and smile, nervous.

"I hope you like the roast. Alycia chose the menu. we cooked together." Marny begins, bringing to the table a tray full of meat.

"I love roast! Aly, you never cook with us." Lindsey points out.

"Well, we don't... I mean, you never asked me." Alycia replies. Lindsey tells her to keep calm and not to fret.

"I was just joking. It’s really good, by the way." she reassures her, eating a mouthful of meat. Alycia smiles, satisfied with the result. Then she turns to me. Again, those two emerald irises run over me and make me lose touch with the world around me. I can see her lips moving, but I absolutely can't hear what she's telling me.

"What?" I ask, striving to regain concentration.

"Don't you like it, Eli? You didn't even touch him." she asks me, sad. Only at this moment do I realize that I have not tasted it yet. I am skewering a piece of roast, when I start to feel the heart pounding in my chest. I can't do it. I get up, jerking all three of them.

"All right?" Marny questions.

"Yes, I... I have to go to the bathroom.”. I turn and run, oblivious to Lindsey calling me back. I go into the bathroom and close the door. The mirror in front of me reflects my pathetic image. I should stop, I'm ruining everything. Alycia needs me. I can't do this to her right now, now when she feels better. I am so gripped by my anguish that I don't even notice that the door has opened and that someone has entered.

“Eliza.”. I turn. Alycia is here in front of me, just like a week ago. She has a worried look that hurts me.

"I just needed to mind my own business, I'll be right back." I'm trying to reassure her.

"What have I done to you?”. That question, again. I can't answer that, Aly. I love you too much to do this to you.

«Nothing. You have no fault, stop it. I'm just a little confused and I need to clear my mind.”. I hope she leaves, even if deep down I desire her to stay. I'm a living contradiction. Who isn't, on the other hand?

"Eli, you can talk to me. Please." she insists. I bite my lip. No, I can't.

"Aly, I think that I will stop coming here.”. She pales. I hit her. I'm killing her. I'm a monster.

"W-why?» she stutters. She is in tears. I feel horrible.

"Aly, it's for your own good.”. I'm a liar. The truth is, I'm afraid. I'm only destroying you because I'm a coward. I don't have the guts to look her in the face. I don't have the courage to witness this brutal murder. Yet, something unexpected upsets my plans. My victim is still alive. She staggers towards me and takes my hands, welcoming them among her own. She forces me to chain my eyes to hers. Once again, it takes my breath away.

"I don't believe you.”

"Aly...» I murmur. I won't last long if she keeps looking at me like that. Her eyes are the purest I have ever seen, they cry out of an innocence and a purity typical of children.

"Please let me go.”

"Tell me why!" she gets nervous. What's the point of continuing to lie to her? What's the point of continuing to lie to me? It is an imperceptible movement that unites us. My lips on hers, in a too long desired meeting. I am deepening the kiss, when something extremely wet stops me. I open my eyes. Alycia is crying and shaking in what is one of her worst panic attacks I've seen in some time.

"Aly, I... forgive me.”

"No! Help! No, go away!” she screams. Lindsey and Marny rush, scared. Alycia slips on the floor. She keeps screaming. I try to get closer, but she pushes me away.

"Please stop. Stop!” she shouts. Her pupils are completely dilated. There is no more trace of green in her irises.

"What happened?" Marny asks me, on the verge of despair.

“I... I’m sorry." I burst into tears. I clench my fists and run away, as fast as I can. Lindsey's attempts are worthless. Escaping is all I have left.

** Alycia POV **

I feel two wet lips on mine. I can't do it. I know that it’s Eliza in front of me, but I can't see her. I sense only _him_ and _his_ shadow. I feel _his_ weight, _his_ hands, _his_ body that soils my soul. I'm shaking. Eliza notices and stops. I'd like to cry at her that I'm sorry and that she can stay. I wish I could let her know that I need her. And yet, I can do nothing but tremble and delirium. Two arms hug me, but they're not Eliza's. She is gone, I know it. She left to protect me. She left to do me no more harm. She left so she wouldn't destroy me. She is gone, and she doesn't know that she has become my executioner.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all, thank you for all the kudos.
> 
> This is a very difficult chapter to translate, I hope that it’s clear enough and that there aren’t many mistakes. Translating something written by myself isn’t so easy for me, I don’t know why.
> 
> Anyway, the relationship between Alycia and Eliza is getting difficult. Eliza doesn’t know what happened to Alycia, so I can’t condemn her for the kiss, but she definitely shouldn’t have run away.
> 
> Next chapter will see the two girls taking really big steps. 
> 
> Let me know what you think about the chapter and the story. 
> 
> See you next week!


	15. 15.If These Scars Could Speak

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW//mentions of rape and violence

15.

> **_If these scars could speak_  
>  _You would hear my hell_  
>  _And all the lies I use to save myself_  
>  _(Citizen Soldier-If These Scars Could Speak)_ **

**  
Alycia POV **

"Are you sure you want to do this?”

"I have no choice, Marny." I answer, in tears. I turn. Pete and Jason are laughing behind me. I sigh. I haven't seen a set in months. Great timing Rothenberg, you picked the right time to force me to shoot a stupid commercial. I squish against Marny's chest. The stage clothes clog me and make me feel even more insecure. I'm scared. I don't even know of what.

"Aly, I’m going to talk to Pete and Jason, it’s obvious that you can't work in these conditions." my friend proposes. Next to Marny, Lindsey smiles at me. I asked her to come with me, too. It's been two weeks since Eliza ran away from my house. I never saw her again. She didn't come. She didn't play Monopoly with me anymore. She didn’t sing me a song to calm me down anymore. And now she's here, on the other side of the set, looking at me with her blue eyes. She would like to come to me, I can feel it. She wishes she could hug me. She wishes she could tell me everything's fine. Or, perhaps, that's what I want.

"Okay, turn around!" Jason announces. I approach him, slowly. Eliza does the same. For the first time in two weeks we are close. I try to avoid crossing her gaze, but I feel her eyes watching me, peering at me with concern. I'm not feeling well, it's as clear as the sun.

"It's very simple. Clarke and Lexa are in the woods and are walking, when two men attack them. They fight, but seem to succumb, until Lexa, hit by one of the enemies, notices a bottle. She drinks and, stronger, defeats the attackers. All clear? Are there any questions?”. Yeah, I'd have one. How can I shoot in these conditions? How can I get hit? I know it's fiction, but it all feels so real. I massage my belly from above the armor, as if this could erase that horrible scar and, with it, the memories of that night.

"Jason, why can't I be the one who gets hit?" Eliza suggests. It is as if she has read my anxieties and fears. She is still trying to protect me, after all.

"Because she's  Heda , you're not. Rothenberg replies, with a rather obnoxious frown.

"Jason, please. Don't make her do it.”. I'm behind her and I can hear all their conversation. I'm starting to shake. Not now, damn it, not now. Marny and Lindsey join me.

"Breathe, Aly." Linz whispers to me. I can relatively calm down and put myself in my place, next to Eliza. She looks at me to make sure everything is okay. But how could it?

"Aly, I know I made a big mistake and you'll never forgive me, but I can talk to Jason and...”. I shut her up. I'm not really mad at her. No more than Marny and Lindsey are, at least.

"Action! Action!" Jason announces, bringing us back to Earth. We start running, as scripted. I feel my legs limp, but I try to suppress all the anxiety that is emerging little by little. I don't know if I can keep it at bay for much longer. Probably not.

"Good, girls." Jason congratulates with us. Eliza doesn't look away from me for a moment. I decide not to give it weight and head to Lindsey and Marny.

"How are you?" the latter asks. I shrugs.

"We are here, for anything." Lindsey reassures me. I know this and they can't imagine how guilty I feel about it. Not now, Aly. This is not the time for certain thoughts.

"Debnam-Carey, let's shoot the fight scene, come on!" Jason calls me back. I nod sad and join him. Eliza is already in position. Ahead of us, two big guys with a spear are ready to strike. I'm afraid of this scene, I'm afraid of it with all of myself.

"Aly, are you sure?" Eliza questions under the heading. Tears cloud my eyes. I turn to Pete and put them back. Do I have a choice? I signed contracts, I can't get out.

"Action!" Jason exclaims and I don't understand anything anymore. All I can see is one of the big guys coming on me and putting the spear on my belly. I fall to the ground at that contact, but not as scripted. I don't even have the strength to crawl away. I'm not even worthy of being among the worms. I crouch and burst into tears. I can't hear anything, I can't see anything. The world revolves around me, muffled. I just feel  _his_ hands on me and the scar burn like never before. I scream, with all my breath in my throat, my hands in front of my face, as if they could defend me from the darkness that is enveloping me. I'm on the edge of the abyss and there are no more grips. I don't even want to findthem out. Let me fall, let me sink. Do not delude me further, salvation does not exist, not for me. 

** Eliza POV **

Alycia writhes on the grass, under the shocked gaze of everyone. I am running to her, but Marny stops me.

"Please.” I mutter.

"With what courage. You've helped her enough, now go!” she growls. I take the shot and I walk away, sitting on the steps of one of the operators’ caravans. I light a cigarette and watch Marny trying to hold Alycia close to herself, but getting violently rejected. She had never done it, she had never refused her care. I feel so helpless, so guilty. She keeps touching her belly and screaming, urging anyone to leave. The truth is that she isn’t asking us, she doesn't even see us. She doesn't sense Marny or Lindsey, she doesn't hear Jason, she doesn't even realise it's the doctor the one who is trying to rid her of the armor in order to medicate her belly. Yes, she doesn't realise it, but I do. I throw my cigarette away and head straight for her.

"Hey, can't you see that you're just making her shake more?" I yell to the doctor.

"I'm just visiting her." he justifies himself.

"I don't care, you're just making things worse!" I exclaim, forcing him to go away. When Marny sees me, she stands in front of me.

"I told you to leave!” she hisses.

"I can't leave her in such a state." I retort.

"Well, it seems to me that you have already done it, don't you?" she replies. She is right, and I know that. I bow my head, dismayed.

"Marny, let her go.”. I look up. It was Lindsey the one who talked. Marny is baffled.

"Neither you and I can get closer to her. She won't calm down unless she's with Eliza, you know that, too." my friend exclaims.

"Yeah, we saw how she was able to calm her down two weeks ago.”. Marny is poisonous. She doesn't admit a second chance. I'm aware that she just wants to protect Alycia, but I still feel a chasm in my chest.

"I'm angry with her, too, but look at Aly. She is there on the ground, she doesn't want us either. Let her through.”. Marny is torn in two. She bites her lip and looks at me like a dog. She sighs.

"That's fine." she finally gives in. She moves, allowing me to pass. I run to Alycia and throw myself in front of her.

"Leave us alone!” I order. Jason and the rest of the crew don't seem very enthusiastic about my request, but they agree. All that's left is Marny, Lindsey and Pete.

"You too.” I intimate.

"No, we...”

"Marny, please.” I insist. Eventually, they give up and leave too. It’s just Alycia and me now. Her eyes are black, there is no longer any trace of that wonderful green that characterizes them.

"Aly, it's me, it's Eliza.”. She can't hear me. She can't see me. I get closer.

"No! Go! Go away! Please stop!" Alycia keeps screaming. Who are you telling this? Who is hurting you so much?

"Aly, it's me!" I repeat, gently girding her wrists and forcing her to look at me in the face. Nothing, everything is useless. I stroke her hands and sing a song that I heard on the radio just before I got on the set. She gasps. Maybe I made it. Her irises turn green again. The breath regularises a little.

"Yes, good, like that. Breathe with me, Aly.” I whisper.

“Eli...” she murmurs. Her voice is broken.

"Can you get up? We better to move.”. She nods. I help her to get back on her feet, but she bends in two, moaning in pain. That guy must have hit her really hard with his stage weapon. I sit her down and try to untie her armor, but she stops me. Her breath is accelerated again and her gaze is terrified.

"Aly, we need to see if you got hurt." I tell her. In response, she bursts into tears on my shoulder.

"I'm sorry. I’m sorry. Forgive me.” she murmurs. I caress her head and force her to look at me in the eyes. I wipe her cheeks with my thumbs and smile at her.

"I’m the one who needs to apologize, not you.”. She doesn't seem too convinced, but she stops crying.

"It hurts." she admits, although I suspect that she isn’t just talking about the knock.

"May I?" I ask, putting my hand on the laces of the armor. She nods, surrendering. I feel her body tensing under my touch. I have a thousand thoughts and assumptions in my head right now, one more horrible than the other. When I do to uncover the belly, Alycia grabs my hand.

"I won't hurt you, I swear.”. She doesn’t answer. She doesn't give me permission to continue, nor does she send me away.

"Don't hate me." I hear her muttering, as she leaves her grip on my wrist. It breaks my heart to hear these words.

"I could never." I reassure her, caressing her hair. She nods and lets me go on. I lift the cloth and drown out a scream. A huge scar runs through her belly. Countless questions crowd my mind. Who dared to touch her? Who dared to do such a thing to her? I put her clothes back on and hold her to me.

"I love you, Aly.” I whisper. I can feel her tears wetting my neck.

"I-i d-don't remember w-who has b-been.” she stutters. "We were a-at the p-party and... He wanted it... He d-did it, he r-r-r-r-...”. She stops and I hold her to me even more. I think back to the kiss I gave her and only now do I fully realise the gravity of my gesture.

"I m-managed to f-free myself and then he t-took a kn-knife and...”. I let her know that it’s fine. She will tell me the rest another time, also because I myself do not believe that I can fully hold the truth about what happened.

"I love you." I repeat. I don't think I have anything else to say to her. I don't think there's anything more sensible to say right now. I gently cradle her, while she lets herself go to a liberating cry. What she has been through and is still experiencing is unspeakable, an endless horror. Someone dared to touch her, use her, break her to such an extent that she thinks that there is nothing left for her. And yet, I am sure, it is not so. And when she crouches on my chest, I am sure she is a little aware of it, too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone, I hope that everyone is safe and healthy. I want to thank you all for the kudos and the comments in the previous chapter.
> 
> So, we finally understand what happened to Alycia. What she had to face is terrible and completely meaningless.  
> It was really difficult to write this chapter, I hope you enjoyed it (as long as the topic allows someone to enjoy it).  
> Please, let me know what you think about it. It would mean the world to me.
> 
> See you next Wednesday!


	16. 16.Closer To You

16.

> **_  
> Here I stand with my heart in my hands_  
>  _And all I do_  
>  _To get closer to you_  
>  _(Adelitas Way-Closer To You)_ **

  
**Eliza POV**

Dr. Craven finally leaves Alycia's room. I, Marny, Lindsey and Pete run to meet her. I'm almost afraid to ask her questions.

"She is fine, she only needs to rest a little. Miss Kennedy, I begged you not to make any effort.”

"I tried to change her mind, but..." Marny tries to explain, but the therapist interrupts her.

"No  _ buts _ . Alycia is going through a very complicated time in her life. She needs time and care. You need not to force her, and I’m talking to you, too, Miss Taylor.”. When I hear my last name, a shiver runs down my back. I swallow.

"I certainly wouldn't want to know her holed up for days in her room again." Dr. Craven keeps talking. I'm impressed. Underneath that rough exterior, she is showing a lot of affection for Alycia.

"All right, are we done with this clowning?" Jason intervenes, completely out of turn. If I could, I'd smash his face.

"Excuse me?" Dr. Craven retorts. Jason leans against the wall, his arms folded.

"While we pity a little girl who has tantrums, I’m losing thousands of dollars an hour. So tell her to get up, we'll shoot tomorrow.”. Marny runs towards the producer and grabs him by the collar of his shirt.

"You ugly piece of sh-..." she begins to rage, but Lindsey promptly stops her mouth and pulls her away.

"Jason, you don't understand the gravity of the situation, it's obvious. She can't shoot. She is sick." I try to make him reason.

"Bullshit, she is fine. She has to shoot a commercial, not a three-hour movie." he retorts. I snort. I glare at Pete. I need him to stand up for Alycia for once and stop subjecting her to the will of this slippery guy.

"Pete, tell him, too.”. The manager scratches his head. He sighs.

"Mr Rothenberg, I must unfortunately note that, for now, for Alycia shooting is something impossible to do. My client's health comes first. I was wrong to push her to shoot today. I’m sorry.”. Jason grimaces and leaves the house, without saying a word. I feel lighter knowing he's gone.

"Can we go see her?" Marny asks out of nowhere, now calmer after the discussion with Rothenberg.

"Yes, but I would recommend going for a short time. She's very dazed." Dr Craven answers. She waves us goodbye and leaves us alone.

"Shall we go?" Lindsey proposes.

I stand aside and watch them going upstairs, aware that Marny would never want me in that room. I go out into the garden and light a cigarette. I just wish I could see her and make sure she is okay.

"Taylor!”. I turn. Marny is coming towards me. I don't know whether or not she has good intentions. 

"Sorry, you're right, I should try not to smoke here." I say, hoping I guessed the problem.

"Eliza, wait, it's nothing to do with your cigarette. You... She is asking about you.”. My heart skips a beat. I didn't expect that.

"The point is, I don't really know if I can trust you.”

"I understand." I murmur, upset.

"Listen to me, you did an incredible job with Aly. You brought her back to life. Of course, it was also Lindsey's credit, but let's not lie, you're the only one who can calm her down during a crisis. And it's not just that, I really have never seen her waiting so much for someone to come to her. She has opened up so much with you, Eliza. Even with Maia, I don't think she went that far. Of course, she did it her way, with so many assumptions, but she did it. Eliza, you managed to get her out of the house. I don't know if you realise it.”. I bow my head. Yes, I’m realising that I threw everything away.

"I'm not angry about the kiss. I'm furious about everything else. You kissed her, you couldn't resist any further and it's undeniable, let’s keep that to ourselves, that at least subconsciously she also feels something for you. But running away at the first reaction you don't understand was a worms behaviour. She doesn't deserve it.”.

"I did it because I didn't know how to behave. I was afraid to destroy her.” I am still lying, especially to myself.

"Well, know that you came very close to do it.”. I sigh. I run a hand through my hair and wipe a tear on my cheek.

"I was afraid of losing her forever and felt so guilty, that I no longer saw a reason to come here. I think it was shame.”. This time I'm being honest. I don't wear masks anymore. That wouldn't make sense. Marny puts a hand on my shoulder.

"Go to her. She is waiting for you.”. I hug her and go inside. I go upstairs and meet Lindsey. As soon as she sees me, she gets agitated.

"Eli I... She didn't want me to tell you.”.!I understand what she is talking about and I smile at her.

"It's all right, Linz. Really." I reassure her. She breathes a sigh of relief and invites me to go to Alycia's. My heart is pounding in my chest. I'm terrified. I take a good breath and pull the door handle. I'm on the threshold, still in time to leave. No, that's not what I want. I take a step and I'm in. Alycia is lying in her bed and she widens her eyes when she sees me. I'm paralysed. What must I do? Can I get close to her or should I stay away from her? What do you want, Alycia? What do you want for yourself?

**Alycia POV**

I see her coming in and I widen my eyes. I didn't expect her to come, I thought she ran away again. Ironic, since I was the first to flee the world. We're not that different Eliza, aren’t we?

“I... Erm... How have you been?" she starts talking. I almost laugh. She is so shy, like she is terrified by my presence. And I'm the one with an anxiety disorder.

"I feel better, thank you." I answer, a little cold. Not that I wanted to address her like that. I beckon her to move closer and sit next to me.

"Are you sure?” she asks me. I nod. I watch her move insecure and settle down on the bed. She is on edge. She knows that she could ruin everything any minute.

"I'm sorry about that kiss.” she whispers. "I shouldn't have done it. I didn't know what happened to you, but it's not an excuse. I was an idiot and when I ran away I really risked to destroy the most beautiful thing that had ever happened to me, which was the relationship between the two of us. I don't want to lie to you, that kiss wasn't a product of chance. I really feel something for you and the fear of hurting you is so much that I don't really know how to behave. I don't want to force you, nor do I expect you to reciprocate. I don't want to lose you, and if that means just being friends, it'll be fine anyway.”. She stops talking and between us falls a silence full of questions. What will I answer? Do I feel anything for her, too? If so, how can I reconcile my feelings with the fear of being hurt again? I bite my lip and stretch my hand, clutching her fingers. Eliza looks at me like no one has done before. Her eyes fathom my soul and allow it to stay alive. Can I really let myself to turn this down? Can I really let myself to ignore a chance of salvation from the darkness that, unfortunately, still envelops me?

"Eli, the night of the kiss I didn't get nervous because of you. I never wanted you to leave. I wanted to beg you to stay, to let you know that I needed you here. I would... I wish I could reciprocate that kiss." I confess, perhaps more to myself than to her. Her blue eyes are wet with tears.

"I just need time." I conclude, upset. Eliza leans over me and allows our foreheads to lean together. She doesn’t say anything, there is no need of words. She gently caresses my cheek and smiles at me. And I've never felt more alive than that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone. Hope you are all fine and healthy.  
> I want you to know that I wrote the last chapter in Italian three days ago, so it’s official, this story will have thirty nine chapters. And I will translate everyone of them, don’t worry. 
> 
> So, this is a calmer chapter, I think that both our girls deserve it. Eliza confesses her feelings and Alycia realises that maybe she feels something for Eliza, too, but she needs time. 
> 
> Thank you for the kudos and the comments. Please, let me know what you think about this chapter, I love reading your impressions.
> 
> See you next week!


	17. 17.Out Of Love

17.

> ** _I'm out of love again_  
>  _Not while you're by my side_  
>  _(Five For Fighting-Out Of Love)_ **

**  
Eliza POV **

I'm at Marie's place, but I wish I was somewhere else. I promised Alycia to go slow and we agreed indeed to continue seeing each other every other day, but that does not change that I would rather watch again _Pulp Fiction_ with her a thousand more times, rather than stay here, in the midst of all these people. Lindsey dragged me here, but I'm getting more and more uncomfortable. I am a fish out of water, totally unaccustomed now to this kind of evenings. I don’t go to a party, nor do I get drunk for a long time and, apart from some quiet venues, I stopped attending who knows what places. Not that I'm against parties, in fact, I just don't care anymore. I don't want to spend time surrounded by unknown people I don't care about. Not while the only person I really care about is at home.

"Eli!”. I turn. Bob walks towards me with a dazzling smile.

"Why are you so happy to see me?" I ask him.

"Why, should I be sad?" he makes fun of me. He offers me a glass of beer, but I refuse.

"Eliza, are you okay? Since when do you refuse alcohol? Are you pregnant?”. I burst out laughing at that last question.

"I don't want it, that's all. I have to be at Alycia's early tomorrow morning, and I'd like to avoid turning this party into a boozy night.” I explain. Bob nods and drains the glass he offered me.

"Better, there is more for me. But you should tell Lindsey, too, you know?”. He points at our friend, intent on playing beer pong with a group of strangers. I roll my eyes and nod at Bob to wait. I reach for Lindsey and grab her by the arm.

"Linz, what are you doing?" I get nervous. She snorts, already much more than tipsy.

"I'm having fun, Taylor. You should, too." she answers, in a kneaded voice.

"We have to go to Alycia tomorrow.”. Lindsey puts her hand on my shoulder.

"I know." she states, and then she throws a ball towards the glasses, scoring. She cheers and highs five to one of the guys around her, a tall, raven-haired, slimy-looking guy. I don’t like him at all, but I decide to give up and go back to Bob, even if I continue to keep an eye on my friend.

"Eli, she's an adult.”

"Exactly." I reply, irritated. I realise that I'm overreacting, and I turn to Bob. I sigh.

"Sorry, is that... God, I don't even know what I'm doing here.”. Bob smiles and caresses my back.

"Lindsey loves Aly. She just needs to take a break for a second, I think that's normal. Rather, how are you? I heard you had some trouble shooting your commercial.”

"How the hell do you know that?” I ask.

"Rumors are swirling, unfortunately." he explains, in a sad voice. I clench my fists. Is it possible that no one knows how to mind their business?

"Yes, she had a bad attack. I managed to calm her down, but...”. I stop. The memory of that horrible scar on Alycia's belly causes me unspeakable pain. Knowing that someone dared to violate her disgusts and saddens me. I just wish I could have prevented this from happening. I feel so helpless, so useless in the face of what happened to her.

"But?" Bob urges me to continue. I can't tell him what I found out. That wouldn't be right.

"But it remains an unstable situation." I conclude, vague. Bob beckons that he understands. He leans against the wall and crosses his arms. He stares at me. I look at him, confused.

"How is it going between you two?”. I must have become a bell pepper for embarrassment. I feel hot.

"I-I... Well..." I babble. Bob bursts out laughing, softened by my awkwardness. I try to focus.

"We decided to take it easy." I claim, all in one breath. I swallow. I don't know why I’m blushing so much.

"We who? Taylor, What are you hiding from us?”. I jerk. I didn't even realise that I had Marie behind me. Next to her, Richard and Jessica seem eager to hear what I have to say.

"You're seeing someone and you didn't even tell us? Who is they?" my friend insists. I'm looking for help in Bob, but he is completely paralysed, too.

"I'd rather not talk about it. It's just getting started, and, you know, I’m a bit superstitious..." I try to cut it short.

"Come on Taylor, don't be boring." Jessica insists. I usually can’t stand her, and tonight I'd say that I'm bearing her even less than usual.

"I said no." I retort. Marie and Richard seem to give in, while Jessica doesn’t give up. She grins.

"Are you seeing a he or a she? Maybe you don't want to tell us anything because you're ashamed.”. I ignore her and pour myself a glass of vodka. The purpose of not drinking goes to hell, I need something to help me not hearing her questions anymore.

"She said to shut up, why don't you go away, Harmon?" Bob intrudes. I thank him with my eyes.

"Relax, Morley. I just want to have a conversation.”

"Well, she doesn’t!" Bob replies. Jessica rolls her eyes. Maybe she has finally decided to raise her heels and leave.

"All right, I give up. Taylor, say hi to little Alycia if you see her again, unless she freaks out once more when you shoot Jason's commercial.”. I sigh, amused. I decide to ignore that stupid subject and go find Lindsey. I want to go home. I've had enough of this circus. I wander around the mansion, but I can't find her. I find myself back to the starting point. Bob is still there, motionless.

"Have you seen Lindsey?” I ask. He says no to me. We look around, when we notice a strange group of people. In the centre, Jessica is speaking out loud. I shudder when I hear what she is saying.

"Yes, Alycia Debnam-Carey, a spoiled little girl who enjoys making a scene after being gone for two months. All marketing. They told me about the commercial. It seems that Jason wants to threaten to shoot her or impose a forfeit on her. You know, I think it's all a way to take revenge for the death of her character in season three, as the true child who she is.”. I clench my fists and I am going to her, but Bob stops me. He is right, it's not worth it. I decide to start looking for Lindsey again. A strange noise makes me turn around.

"I think we found her." Bob notices. Lindsey is on top of Jessica and she has just punched her.

"Don't you dare to talk about Alycia like this again!" she yells, out of her mind. I run to her before she hits Jessica again.

"Eli, leave me! I have to teach her something!" she tries to wriggle her free. Bob helps me hold her steady and drags her out. I get her in the car and start the engine. We don't even say goodbye to Marie.

"What's wrong with you?”. She doesn’t answer, she fell asleep. I sigh and make my way home.

** Alycia POV **

Marny has just left when I hear someone tinkering with the front door. My heart is in my throat, what if there is a thief? I feel my breath go out of control. I lie on the couch, terrified. I hear the lock go off. It's over.

"Aly! God, I'm sorry.”. I look up.

"E-Eli?" I stutter, confused. She nods and caresses my hair.

"I thought you went to sleep and... Look, I know we decided to take it easy, but I... I was wondering if it was possible for me to stay here tonight.”. I look into her eyes. Her blue irises are begging me to indulge her. Something must have happened, but I decide not to investigate further.

"Eli, yes.”. She caresses my hand and I draw her to me, clutching her in a hug. I need it and I don't even know why. We stand up a little bit later and, taking her by the hand, I walk her to my room. I give her a t-shirt and a pair of shorts for the night, and I watch her disappear into the bathroom. She reappears shortly after, ready to go to sleep. We go under the covers and I turn off the light. She doesn't touch me, she doesn't even brush against me, yet I feel her breath on my neck.

“Thank you.” I hear her muttering. I smile, without turning. I don’t reply, there is no need of doing it. I close my eyes and, for the first time in a long time, I realise that I wasn’t born to be alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello guys, how are you doing? I hope everyone of you is fine.
> 
> So, first of all I want to say that this is fiction and I don’t have anything against Jessica Harmon. Here, in my story (that is pure invention), she is a sort of “villain” (even if she is not the real villain, but this is maybe a spoiler, ups) and come one, let’s admit that we all would have acted like Lindsey haha.  
> On the other hand, Alycia and Eliza are taking really huge steps, especially Alycia.  
> Well, I hope that you liked this, I want to thank you for the comments and the kudos in the previous chapter. Let me know what you think about it!
> 
> See you next time!


	18. 18.In Pieces

**18.**

> **_Shattered to pieces, you found me_  
>  _Am I someone that's worth saving anymore?_  
>  _(Citizen Soldier-In Pieces)_ **

**  
Alycia POV **

When I wake up, Eliza is gone. I shrug and stir. I go to the bathroom and then I go downstairs. I feel strangely serene, like I haven't been in a long time. I go into the kitchen and find Eliza and Lindsey sitting at the table arguing animatedly. As soon as they notice me, they stop talking. Eliza bites her lip and turns to Lindsey.

"Did I interrupt something?” I ask them. 

"No, we were just talking." Eliza tries to minimise. I don't buy it at all. I suspect their argument has something to do with what prompted Eliza to come to me tonight, and I'm afraid it's something serious. Only now do I realise that Lindsey's hand is wrapped in bandages.

"What happened?" I ask her, worried. Lindsey squints her eyes and squeezes Eliza's arm. It reminds me of a little girl caught red-handed. Eliza shakes her head. She seems annoyed.

“I... We were at Marie's yesterday." Lindsey starts talking. I tap my chin with my fingers, inviting her to continue.

"I may have beaten Jessica Harmon. I may.”. I open my mouth. I can't believe my ears. Not that I particularly like Jessica, but I never expected this aggressive streak in Lindsey. I stand still, stunned and even a little scared.

"Aly, I had been drinking and...”

"Stop It, Linz!" Eliza shuts her up. She gets up and throws a hand at the wall. I can't understand what's going on.

"Eli, I think she should know it.”. Know what? What happened yesterday? Why don't they tell me? I see Eliza sighing and clenching her fists hard. She turns to me. She is afraid of hurting me, I can see it in her eyes.

"Aly, yesterday Lindsey tried to protect you.”. I look at her confused. Protect me? And from what? I invite her to continue.

"Everyone knows about your crisis on the set of the commercial. Jessica kept saying it was all a scene, that you're playing the spoiled little girl. I was a little tipsy, but I would have hit her without alcohol in my body." Lindsey explains. I squint my eyes over and over again, incredulous. My legs feel weak. They can't hold me anymore and I fall to the ground. Eliza catches me, before I crash to the ground. She walks me to the living room and makes me lie on the couch. Why is that? Why all this pain? What does the world expect from me? What do I have to prove to it? I'm so tired. They want me hanging on a cross to taunt me, mock me, spit on me. Why is that? Am I not a human being like them? What am I? Who am I? I need someone to answer me. I need someone to help me find out who I am.

"I'm sorry.”. I turn. To my right, sitting on the floor, Eliza watches over me. Her eyes are watering. I have a lump in my throat. Why are you looking at me like that? Why don't you go away? Why don't you look at me with disgust? Why don't you mock me?

"Don't ask yourself why I'm here.”. She seems to read my mind. I open my mouth to argue, but the voice doesn’t come out. My mind is yelling at me that abandonment is all I deserve. Yet, Eliza continues to prove me the opposite and all this destabilise me not a little. I am losing the only certainty I had, that I am a mere refusal, deserving of all evil. Little by little, Eliza is helping me to leave this refuge full of pain that I have built around my heart. Eliza is asking me to try to feel something new. I don't know if I can trust her. All I know is that I want to. I take her hand, like a child in need of contact with someone he knows.

"I'm here." Eliza whispers. I burst into tears, I don't even know why. Maybe because I found out what they say about me? Or because, despite everything, I no longer feel abandoned to myself? I don’t know. I have no idea. Simply, tears wet my cheeks, unstoppable. Eliza stands still, her hand in mine. She sings a song, maybe by Joni Mitchell. I get lost in the melody, so comfortable. Then, the darkness surrounds me. 

** Eliza POV **

Alycia fell asleep, and Lindsey and I moved back to the kitchen. I haven't seen her like this in a few days. I'm tempted to warn Doctor Craven, but I let it go. For now, Alycia is not going anywhere anyway and is not in danger of being interviewed by some inappropriate journalist. What really worries me is the gossip made by magazines and websites. I'm afraid Alycia can't handle the pressure. I find myself with my head in my hands, desperate. I really don't know what to do. Lindsey sits next to me. She also seems very grounded.

"We had to tell her, Eli." she starts talking.

"I know." I state, upset. "I'm afraid it will break her forever, Linz. What Jessica said yesterday was horrible, but we know that's what people think. What will happen when she comes face to face with these people? Or, worse, how will she react if certain stupid theories about her start circulating in scandal magazines or on websites? I'm seriously worried, we can't keep her under a bubble forever.”. Lindsey nods. I'm right and she is aware of it. She scratches the back of her head, looking for an idea or, more simply, for something to say. I look at the living room. Alycia is still asleep. She's so helpless, defenceless. I don't want her to suffer again. Life has asked her too much, and I can't let anything else happen to her. As if I can command fate. What a silly illusion. I am fully convinced that free will exists to a certain extent. Destiny and choices go hand in hand and, as much as the former is influenced by the latter, there is no real escape route. Alycia didn't choose to be hurt in such an inhuman way. I smile. She didn't even choose Marny, Lindsey, Maia and me to be with her. And yet, a small decision had to be made and, probably, it was decisive. Alycia chose to get help from us. I have no idea what this will bring. I have no power to change fate. I will not be able to protect her forever, I will not be able to prevent the world from being evil. And yet, I can choose to stand by her, no matter what. I can't imagine a different life for me.

"For now she doesn't have to go out, do her?" Lindsey distracts me from my thoughts. 

"What, sorry?”

"I was saying, she doesn’t have to go outside now. We have time to make her stronger.”. It is not a weird suggestion, on the contrary.

"Thank you, Linz. For everything.”.Lindsey hugs me, with affection.

"Oh, for what? Besides, I earn a lot. Now you always cook and I must say that eating good dishes makes me very happy.”. We burst out laughing. Lindsey always manages to bring out the bright side of things and that's exactly what I need right now.

"By the way, I’m going to make lunch.” I say. I get up and get on the stove. I’m cleaning some vegetables when I hear the front door open. Marny comes in, breathless. Lindsey and I eye her, surprised to see her. We tell her to stay quiet so she doesn't wake Alycia. She joins us in the kitchen. She's pale.

"What the hell happened to your hand?" she asks, noticing the bandages on Lindsey's knuckles.

"Long story." the latter answers, evasive. "What brings you here? Today is our turn.”. Marny runs a hand through her hair. She's really panicking.

"Pete called me. He tried to refuse, but _CW_ wanted to hear no excuse. I think it's Jason's fault, too, he must have gotten in the way somehow.”. Lindsey and I glance at each other, questioning what is going on. We don't understand.

"If it's about the commercial, I would say that's not really the case.”. I state. Marny leans against the wall. She bows her head. She stays like this for a few seconds, then clenches her fists and looks up.

"It's not about the commercial. Alycia... _CW_ wants her at Comic-con in San Diego.”.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello guys, hope everyone is doing fine.
> 
> This chapter introduces the second part of the story, in which Alycia will be forced to face the San Diego Comic-con. It won’t be easy, as she is still struggling with all her anxiety problems and depression. However, maybe she is starting to understand that she isn’t alone anymore.
> 
> I have a surprise for you: I decided to translate two chapters per week this and the next week. So, I will update on Saturday too! 
> 
> Thank you for the kudos and the comments, I love reading what you think about this story. Let me know what you think about this chapter too.
> 
> So, see you on Saturday!


	19. 19.Let Me Go

**19.**

> _**You love me but you don't know who I am  
>  I'm torn between this life I lead and where I stand  
> You love me but you don't know who I am  
> So let me go  
> Just let me go  
> (3 Doors Down-Let Me Go)** _

  
  


  
**Eliza POV**

"Where do they want her to go?”. I can't believe what my ears have just heard. Marny puts a hand on her face. She burst in tears.

"It's _CW_. If she doesn’t accept, she will have to pay a very high penalty, she is likely to ruin her career permanently.” she explains.

"We don't even talk about it!" Lindsey exclaims. She's visibly irritated. Marny slides to the ground, desperate. She sobs. I approach her and put my hand on her shoulder. I can feel all her fatigue. She has been carrying the burden of this situation on her shoulders for more than two and a half months now. She had to watch Alycia shut down day after day. Marny endured all this time the suffering and pain of one of her best friends, quietly, almost on the sidelines. She's not Maia and she's not me. She did the dirty work, probably without even too many accolades, which I don't think she ever really cared about anyway. She loves Alycia and has only ever acted to make her feel better. She even tried to protect her from me. She is breaking, she is crumbling, and I think it was just a matter of time. None of us will come out of this situation unscathed. Alycia's pain is no longer her own. It's ours too. We are tied to her and what hurts her affects us too. It is not a mere matter of empathy, that lasts a moment and disappears immediately. No, it's different. It is a visceral, deep bond that could be sealed with blood. It's a relationship that makes us one with Alycia. I discover myself in her and she in me. We become parts of a whole, a single body made up of different organs. And here the pain of a single becomes of everyone. It is no longer simple empathy, but sharing a life, albeit full of suffering. And, perhaps, Marny begins to falter.

"I can't see her break down again." she confesses, through tears. What did Marny have to live? I wasn't there when Alycia shut down, she was. She lived that moment. She witnessed it and she will never forget it. I sit next to her, under Lindsey's nervous gaze. The atmosphere is so tense. There is no way out. Alycia will have to attend Comic-con, we're aware of that.

"Aly is not the same person as two and a half months ago, Marny. Not necessarily she...”. I stop. The memory of her reaction to Lindsey's telling blocks me. Alycia is unable to face the San Diego convention, this is the truth. I wave a hand through my hair. I don't know what to say. Fear has taken over and there seems to be no answer to all this. A sudden noise makes us jolt. We rush to the living room. I’m paralysed and I clench my fists. Alycia heard everything and ran away. Marny starts throwing punches at the couch.

"Shit!" she swears. Lindsey stops her before she gets hurt. She is on edge. I wonder what would have happened to her if Linz and I hadn't agreed to help her. I sigh and start looking for Alycia. I try everywhere, but she isn’t even in her room.

"Aly! Aly, where are you?" I call her, without success at all. I go out into the garden and finally find her. I run to her. She is curled up, leaning against a hedge. She is shaking like a leaf and I feel so guilty.

"Aly...”

"No! I'm not going there!.”. I feel a lump in my throat. Behind me, Lindsey and Marny are undecided whether to join us or not. I beckon them to come. Marny crouches in front of her.

"I'm sorry.” she murmurs. Alycia looks away. I can read anger in her eyes. And only now do I realize that we will only get out of this situation if we stick together.

** Alycia POV **

_San Diego Comic-Con_. Until a few months ago I was looking forward to the convention. I loved this kind of events. I loved meeting fans, talking about my projects, chatting with interviewers, wandering around looking for comics trying not to be spotted by journalists or viewers of _The 100_ and _Fear The Walking Dead_. All of this is dead. I am dead. I have to stop believing otherwise. I look at Marny, who is in front of me. She has to let me go, for her own good. I'm destroying her. Only now do I realise how vital she has been for me over the past few months. I've always leaned mostly on Maia and lately on Eliza. Marny has always been there, and I never even told her thank you. Let me go, Marny. Let me go.

"I'm sorry.”. It's an almost imperceptible whisper. She is apologising for the greed of others. I clench my fists. It's all so deeply unfair. If only I could untie these ties that bind me to her, Maia, Lindsey and Eliza, I would have the certainty that, at least, they could save themselves from all of this. I need to be an island. I have to save them from me. I see Lindsey approaching. She's thoughtful. She eyes me, undecided whether to talk or not.

"Aly, I have a proposal for you." she begins. She has my attention. Marny and Eliza look at her intrigued, a sign that not even they know what Lindsey wants to tell me. I literally hang from her lips.

"First of all, remember that we would come to San Diego, too. You wouldn't be alone. We're not going to let you go for a second, and at least I'm going to try to do all that I can to get Pete a program that's tailored for you.”. I nod without fully understanding. Why do they want to stay with me? Let me go. Let me go.

"Two weeks to go. How about we try to hang out a little? We can take you to one of the parks that are here, they are quiet and uncrowded. I think it would be a good idea to start familiarising yourself with the outside world.”. We all look at her with our mouths open and our eyes widened. I turn to Eliza. She looks terrified, more than I do.Lindsey's proposal makes sense, but it's scary. I don't know if I'll be able to do it. I'm scared, so scared.

"We will be with you. You won't be alone, Aly." Lindsey insists. How can I explain that this is the problem? Eliza sighs and sits next to me. She forces me to look at her in the eyes. Her blue irises are begging me to trust them, her. She is asking me not to run away. Is it that hard to let me go?

"Don't ask yourself why I'm here." she tells me again. Now I understand. They'll never let me go. I can't accept it, I can't understand it. And yet, it is so. There is nothing I can do but metabolise this truth. You won't be alone, Alycia, ever. And it's so scary.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone, I hope you are safe!
> 
> So, as I promised I updated today. Next week I will update both on Wednesday and Saturday too.
> 
> This chapter is more the ending of the previous one, in which Alycia really starts realising that she isn’t alone anymore. I don’t know you, but sometimes the idea of not being alone can be scary. It’s like you feel that you’re not worthy of love, so you can’t understand why people care about you. But the point is this, loving and caring about someone isn’t based on worth. It’s so difficult to accept it.
> 
> Let me know what you think about this and about the chapter. I want to thank you all for the kudos and the comments! Thank you so much guys, this story means the world to me and I’m happy that you appreciate it.
> 
> See you on Wednesday!


	20. 20.Learning To Breath

20.

> **_Learning to breathe_   
>  _I'm learning to crawl_   
>  _I'm finding that you and you alone can break my fall_   
>  _[...]_   
>  _So this is the way I say I need you_   
>  _(Switchfoot-Learning To Breathe)_ **

** Alycia POV **

The gate. It’s been two months since I trespassed it. I am scared. What's waiting for me out there? Will there be anything for me? I have no answers, just questions. I feel a hand leaning on mine. Eliza is next to me, smiling at me. She is so reassuring. I can't lie, I feel safe with her. And although I struggle to accept the gaze of good she has on me, I have to admit that I don’t dislike it.

"Everything will be fine." she reassures me. She helps me breathe properly and walk me to the street. When my feet meet the asphalt, I step back.

"Aly, I'm here with you." Eliza whispers. I snuggle against her.

"I can't do it.” I murmur. My breath is short and my legs feel sea. I turn. My house is calling me back. It wants me to come back to it. I can't go on, I’m not able to do it. I’m going back to the front door, but Eliza draws me to herself. My heart skips a beat. Her eyes are chained to mine. They're so welcoming. They're asking me to move on, even though all I want right now is to go back.

"Trust me." Eliza begs me. Her hands caress mine, gently. I don't even notice I'm walking again. Step after step, slowly. I'm holding my breath. I close my eyes. I don't even know what I'm afraid of. Of the world, probably. I don't want to get hurt again. I can't. I raise my right foot. I feel it go forward and then go down, down and down, until I meet the asphalt. The left one follows it shortly after. I stay with my eyes closed. I don't have the courage to open them. I'm too scared. Something soft and warm touches my face. It's Eliza's hand. I gasp at that touch, but then I look for it. I know she is in front of me. I'm moving towards her. I don't see her, but I can sense her.I decide to try to open my eyes. Right away, blue invests me. It takes my breath away. Eliza smiles at me. She is proud of me. I feel the heart swell in the chest. Am I... Am I happy?

"You made it." she rejoices. I nod, a little confused. I feel drunk, a swirl of different emotions lingers inside me. My legs give up, for a moment. Eliza picks me up and helps me stay on my feet. Again our eyes are lost in each other. Eliza bites her lip. I have to stop, I'm making it so difficult for her. I settle down and look away.

"Shall we go? Lindsey and Marny are waiting for us.”. I nod. We walk in silence. Fear hasn’t left me. I look around, as if a monster should pop up any minute.

"Nothing will happen, don't worry. I'm with you." Eliza reassures me. I'm still skeptical. After all, she was at the party, too. Everyone was there, yet no one saw the horror that was consuming in that bathroom. No one witnessed my death. No one came to my funeral. Why then do you want to see me resurrect? I’m plagued by my doubts and I don't know how to stop them. I can't let go and I feel terribly guilty about it. There's nothing I can do about it. An unexpected touch distracts me from my thoughts. Eliza took my hand. I swallow. Something new is beginning to creep into me. I can't name it, but it's so intense that it takes my breath away. I pretend nothing and keep walking. We arrive at our destination after about ten minutes in which we did not even say a word. Lindsey and Marny are waiting for us not far from the entrance of the park, sitting on a large plaid blanket. I breathe in and out. Eliza stands in front of me, without leaving my hand.

"It's just a park. There aren't many people, and you won't have to move from that blanket. I'll be by your side every second.”. I nod. I want to try to trust her. When we get to the grass, though, I stiffen. I feel my breath getting shorter and shorter. Eliza holds my hand tight. She wants me to sense her presence. I'm trying, and yet it seems more and more distant. I close my eyes again, as if that gesture could protect me from who knows what dangers.

"Aly, look at me." Eliza orders. I obey reluctantly. Her smile continues to welcome me and I, for the umpteenth time, wonder what she sees in me. She holds my other hand too and walks me through the park, until we join Lindsey and Marny. She makes me sit on the blanket and sits next to me. I can't believe it. I'm in a park. My gaze rotates from one side to the other, totally unaccustomed to all those people. Eliza surrounds my face with her hands and forces me to focus on her.

"I know I'm not the best, but look at me." she tells me, joking. I let out a shy smile and get lost in her blue irises. I have never noticed how many shades adorned those eyes. I swallow. She asked me something, but I didn't get it. To tell the truth, I don't think I've heard a single word she has spoken so far. I've never felt that way, what's happening to me?

"I asked if you would like some rice salad.”

"Uh, I... Yes, of course." I answer, in obvious difficulty. I don't understand what's bothering me anymore. The situation? The people around me? Or, simply, the presence of the person who should, instead, reassure me? When we decided to go slow, I thought I needed time to learn how to feel. God, how wrong I was. I have no idea how to handle this. I am like a child who is learning to walk and the terror of falling is devouring me. I'm afraid I won't be able to get up again if it ever happens.

"Linz, who are you texting to with that stupid smile?” Eliza asks. We all turn to look at Lindsey, who blushes in shame.

“No one.” she answers, evasive.

"Pfff, Morgan, You're a terrible liar." Marny makes fun of her.

"Is there no one else who minds her own business? Take Alycia for example." Lindsey retorts, pointing at me. I try to mask my embarrassment and hide behind Eliza. Marny leans forward and caresses my head. I think back to yesterday, to this instinct that I have to reject everyone. Still, they stay. I'm finally realising Eliza is right. I have to stop wondering why. I don't think a reason exists, even though my mind needs it. Yes, they love me, but it's still not enough. My family loves me too, I'm sure, and yet they are not here with me. What's different about them? Why don't they leave me? No, there is no rational answer.I check out Eliza. She is struggling with a bottle of orange juice. I smile. I never told her about my family, maybe I will one day.

"I'll open it for you." I propose. I look up from the bottle, amazed by my spirit of initiative. She hands it to me, and I uncork it easily. She never took her eyes off me, and I don't know how to feel about it. I return her the bottle. It almost falls out of my hand when her blue meets my green. Marny and Lindsey are not so far

from us and are playing volleyball. It's just her and me. It would take so little. I see her hesitating. She knows she could really do anything she wants to me. She licks her lips. We are both holding our breath. The world around us has vanished. It's just the two of us. In this park, under this sky, only my green and her blue. What are we doing, Eliza? Are we really ready? Am I really ready?

"Watch out!”. I turn around, but it's too late. A very strong pain spreads all over my face. I find myself lying on the ground, panicking.

"Aly! Aly, how are you feeling?" Eliza helps me quickly, almost as in panic as I am. Next to my head, a soccer ball looks at me, sly.

"I'm sorry! Miss, how are you feeling?" someone asks me. I can't see very well and I can't understand who is talking. I just feel the breath getting shorter and shorter. Eliza helps me sit down. Next to her, a thirteen-year-old boy keeps asking me if I'm okay. No, it seems obvious. I cling to Eliza in an almost childish way. I'm just thinking about how that kid is feeling right now. Eliza cradles me, whispering words I don't totally understand. I do not want to plunge into the abyss, not again. I hold on tight to Eliza. I need a grip. I never thought I'd admit it, but I need her to not let me go.

"P-please, f-forgive m-me." the little boy whines. I feel like a monster.

"Don't worry, you didn't do it on purpose. It's okay now." Eliza reassures him. She sings a song and I feel my breath getting more and more regular. I'm still shaken, but I actually feel better.

"I’m sorry." the contrite little boy murmurs

"D-don’t w-worry.” I stutter. He's watching me, skeptic. Eliza beckons him back to play and he obeys, not without making sure for one last time that I'm okay.

"Shall we go home?” I plead. Eliza turns to Lindsey and Marny. I didn't even realise they had joined us. They nod yes.

"Do you prefer to walk or go by car?." Eliza asks me.

“By car.” I answer. Eliza smiles at me. She gets Lindsey to give her the keys and walk me home.

"What About Linz?" I ask, perplexed.

"Marny will drive her here, don't worry." Eliza explains. I nod. In fact, Marny and Lindsey join us shortly after. They stay for dinner and leave soon after, seeing me tired. It's just me and Eliza again. I watch her finish clearing up. I smile. I feel serene and it's so weird for me.

"I'm going home.” she announces then. I don't know why, but I feel a weight in my stomach. No Aly, stop lying to yourself. You know why. I close my eyes, trying to find the strength to ask her. I have to. I need it.

"Aly, are you okay?" Eliza worries. I ignore her. I clench my fists.

"I-I... Y-you..." I babble. Eliza looks at me, confused.

“Thank you." I say, finally. You stupid idiot, that's not what was supposed to come out of your mouth.

"You're welcome." Eliza answers. I notice a certain disappointment in her voice. She walks to the door and wraps the handle with her fingers. Now or never. I approach her and force her to turn towards me. Time stops and I feel the heart beating madly. I appeal to all my energies. Just a word, a stupid, simple word.

“Stay.”.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone, I hope you all feel good. Unfortunately, I don’t feel very well these days, but it will pass.
> 
> So, this chapter is one of my favourites. Alycia finally goes out of her house, it’s a sort of miracle. She is not alone anymore and this is a source of strength. And, at the end, she finds the courage to ask Eliza to stay the night. What do you think will happen? Let me know, I’d love to read what you think about this chapter and the next. 
> 
> I will try to update on Saturday too, is it okay for you? Or do you prefer just a weekly update? 
> 
> Let me know and see you next time! 
> 
> Oh, and thank you for the comments and the kudos!


	21. 21.Let Love In

21.

> **_The only way to feel again_  
>  _Is let love in_  
>  _(Goo Goo Dolls-Let Love In)_ **

****

**  
Alycia POV **

_ Alone. I'm alone in the middle of a meadow. It's night and it's cold. Suddenly, I feel him. He’s coming. He’s here for me. I start running, but it's useless. He finds me. He grabs me by the wrist and throws me badly on the ground. I'm scared, but I can't react. He’s on me, a faceless black shade. He  laughs.  _

_ "Please.” I mutter. He doesn’t answer. He laughs again. He's got a knife in his hand. It's about to penetrate my flesh and all I can do is scream. _

I wake up in shock. I'm shaking. The darkness suffocates me.

"Aly." a warm, familiar voice calls me back. It's Eliza. Why is she here? Oh yes, I myself asked her to stay.

"Aly, it was just a nightmare. You're safe here, no one will hurt you." she tries to calm me down. No, it's useless. I can't, I can't listen to her. I turn my back on her and hold my pillow. I just want her to leave me. I’d like her to confirm for a good time that I’m not worth anything. I can't delude myself that I'm more than that. I can't afford it. I'm a swing of emotions, I'm aware of it. I can feel her approaching and touching my back. I stiffen and she immediately retracts her hand.

"I n-need t-to be a-alone.» I stutter. I don't think it's the truth, but I need to believe it one last time. 

** Eliza POV **

"I n-need t-to be a-alone." Alycia stutters. It breaks my heart. I don't know what to do. Should I indulge her? Is that really what she needs? No, I don't think so. I get up and, having circumnavigated the bed, I stand in front of her. She turns the other way, but I force her to stand still. She closes her eyes.

"Aly, look at me.” I order.

"No." she refuses.

"Why?" I find the courage to ask her. I'm afraid of the answer. I'm afraid of the pain she is feeling right now.

"I don't want you to see me like that.”she murmurs. I feel an endless sadness. How can a person break to such a point?

"I don't want to be this." she confesses, finally. I bring back tears. I have to be strong right now. Alycia needs a grip, even if she doesn't know it. I can't collapse. I gently caress her cheek. She's beautiful and she doesn't even realise it.

"Aly, you will never be the pain you bring in. I could never look at you like that. You're worth a lot more, regardless of everything and everyone, even regardless me.”. She bursts into tears and I hold her close to me. I want her to feel me. I want her to understand that I will never leave her, unless she’d really want to. I want her to see the endless good I feel for her. I do not know if I can call love the feeling that pervades me, but it is certain that it’s very close to it. I'm not going to tell her about it right now, I don't want to scare her, but being aware of it helps me better understand why I'm here with her now. Not out of pain, not out of duty, not even to save her. No, I'm with her because I need to look at her like she can't, hoping that, one day, she can perceive herself with new eyes. I feel her shaking harder and harder against my shoulder and I start to worry. I step back a little, just enough so I can look her in the face.

“Hey..." I whisper, trying to draw her attention. I smile at her, even if in this moment my heart bleeds. No one in the world deserves to experience such a pain.

“Sorry.” she murmurs. I can't take it any longer. I feel the tears wetting my cheeks and I can't do anything to stop their stream. I cup her face with my hands and wipe her cheeks with my thumbs. I just wish she knew she has no guilt.

"You didn't do anything wrong, Aly.”

"I'm making you cry," she replies.

"It’s not your fault. I'm sad because you're sick. it‘s the pain you feel that made me cry. And you, Aly, will never be the pain you feel, not in my eyes.”. She stays still and doesn’t reply. If nothing else, she stopped crying and shaking. I take her hand and cherish it with reverence. Whoever did all this robbed her of two of the most precious things, trust in people and the world and human touch. Alycia deserves to be able to rediscover what she was deprived of.

"Shall we go back to sleep?” I suggest. She says no to me with her head. I check what time it is. Half past one, fortunately tomorrow neither of us has any special commitment. A crazy idea runs through my mind. I hand her her clothes and go to the bathroom and change. When I get back to the room, she still has her clothes in her hand and stares at them, confused.

"I-I don't understand.” she admits.

"It doesn't matter. It's a surprise. I promise you nothing bad will happen to you. You just have to trust me.”. She nods and gets up. She goes to the bathroom, probably to not show me the scar, and it hurts. She shouldn’t be ashamed. Not her. It's the worm that did this to her that should be buried.

"I’m ready." she announces from the threshold, green eyes lifeless. I just want them to shine again. I take her by the hand and lead her down the stairs. I open the door and let her sit outside. She gets more confused.

"Wait for me here." I tell her. I come back and join her shortly after, holding a picnic blanket in my arms. I unroll it on the lawn and invite Alycia to lie down. She does as I told her, asking me no more questions. I lie next to her. We cross our eyes and I smile at her. She is turning the other way, but I don’t let her do it. I will not let her sink into that abyss full of horrors again. Not anymore.

“Look." I whisper, pointing to the sky with my finger. Her eyes swirl upwards. She holds her breath. How long have you not seen the stars, Alycia?

“It’s... It's beautiful." she whispers, amazed. She has shiny and, finally, alive eyes. We remain silent for several minutes, raptured by that wonderful sky.

"I'm sorry I can't explain the constellations, I only know the Big Dipper one." I begin, embarrassed. Alycia lets out an amused smile.

"I had a friend in Melbourne, his name was Sean. He was the expert, he often took me to see the stars.” I explain.

"Doesn’t he do it anymore?" she asks me, shy. I sigh. I don't know if I can tell her the truth. She already has her cross to carry, I don't want to put mine on her too.

"Eli?” she insists. I bite my lip.

"He can't do it anymore, Aly. He is... He is dead. Car crash.”. Alycia reaches towards me and wipes me a tear.

"I was driving. A car did not stop at the intersection and took us in full. That's when I decided to move to the United States. I've been blaming myself for years, but the truth is, certain things just happen. People are bad, mean, shallow. We can't help, what others do is not our responsibility. The only thing we can do is to react, try to overturn the pain that pervades us, use it if necessary. We are not what we suffer, ever. Whoever makes you believe this doesn't care about you.”. I have no idea how these words came out of my mouth. I feel empty. Only Bob knew about Sean. I turn to Alycia. She's thoughtful.

"I don't know how to explain it, but I feel like I had to suffer without a fight. Maybe I deserved it, maybe…”

"Hey, no!" I stop her. "Don't even think about it. Whoever did it had no right to act like that. You didn't do anything wrong.”. She bursts into tears again and I hold her to me. I don’t say anything. it would be useless. It’s a different weeping. There is no anxiety, just understandable confusion. Maybe she is starting to see things differently. She looks up. Her green eyes meet mine and I feel so vulnerable.

"Shall we go back to sleep?”. She nods. I help her get up and we go back inside. We dress for the night, each in a different room. I text Marny that I'm with her and that she can relieve me at lunchtime. We lie down and I turn off the light.

"Well, good night then." I say, settling between the sheets. Silence. My heart's in my throat.

“Eli.”. My name. Her voice. I slowly turn to her. It's dark, but I can still tell her features. I can feel her approaching me. I sense her breath, as her hand caresses my cheek.

"You're not leaving me, are you?" she questions, shy. I swallow. And how could I?

“Never.” I say. A deafening silence, again. I know what's going to happen and I'm scared. What if she's not ready? What if she relives that night again?

"Are you sure?” I ask. No answer, just a shy forward movement. And when her lips meet mine, all our fear vanishes. It's just her and me, nothing else. Her pain, my guilt, who hurt her, Sean, everything doesn't exist anymore. It's just the two of us and a new feeling for both of us. No Alycia, I could never leave you. My own life depends on it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone, I hope you feel good. Unfortunately, my health is worsening a bit, maybe I will have to go to the hospital next week. 
> 
> Anyway, as I promised, here’s the new chapter. And what a chapter! Finally, Alycia could let herself go a little, accept Eliza’s presence and her feelings for her. 
> 
> Thank you for the comments and the kudos, let me know what you think about this chapter and the story. 
> 
> See you next week!

**Author's Note:**

> Hello guys!  
> This is a translation from Italian of my story “Something To Hold On To”.  
> I hope you like this first chapter, I will try to post new chapters every week. Sorry if there are some mistakes, English is not my first language.
> 
> See you soon!


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